On the Fringe

I've started this blog entry about 4 times now and scrapped it. I'm just not sure of the right way to voice the frustration I'm feeling or the emotions I'm experiencing. I've taken a few knocks lately and though I understand completely the reasons behind the decisions some people have made it's still difficult to not take those decisions personally. Each time I think I am moving on and coming to grips with a setback a new situation will bring me right back to the last problem.

I'm feeling very disconnected lately, and frankly a little lonely. Being involved in direct sale companies hasn't created this problem or made it any worse however, it does very quickly bring to light my lack of a friend network. I feel I'm making myself very vulnerable right now but I suppose it can't make my situation worse.

From the outside people might not realize this about me since I have a lot of acquaintances but recently I just feel that I'm hungering for more. I had believed that I was recovering fairly well from the loss of who I had considered my best friend but I'm starting to see that it's left a larger emotional hole than I thought.

I didn't grow up around here and even around my home town I always felt it was difficult to create and establish really close meaningful relationships. It might be largely my perspective but I tended to feel that I was on the fringe of acceptance into friendship groups. I did have friends but there was always someone else they were closer with.

Now I am settled into a home and a place that I have been intentional about making my community but I feel just like that high school girl on the fringe of the circle tentatively trying to feel out how I fit. Many of these women have grown up here and have their circle of friends and family already established. In a lot of ways it doesn't seem to me that there is room for me. I'm not saying I don't have friends and people that I have been seeing and spending time with. I have been immensely appreciative of the reconnection and relationships that have been rekindled lately. If it weren't for those I know my emotional state would be much more volatile right now. I believe I am intensely feeling the loss of the friend that I believed knew my heart and accepted me no matter what. I'm longing for that type of bond with someone. Things that have been happening with me lately have been pointing out this absence in my life.

Once again this might be just my perception but I have heard it said before the only thing all your failed relationships have in common is you. When I apply this to the lack of deep friendships in my life I can't help to feel that there is something I'm doing wrong. There are friendships that I do have right now that I treasure and hope to continue to build on. Maybe some day I will feel that closeness and intimacy in those relationships but at this point I feel more like I'm standing on the sideline and occasionally stepping into the game. I have been hurt a few time lately and things have been said and done to me to make me question the way others see me.

Hopefully my way forward in this will become more clear and I will be able to start feeling like a success in both my business and personal life. For now I suppose I will have to try not to take things to personally and try to leave the hurts I have been dealt in the past.

Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing this Rachel. It's not easy to put your thoughts and feelings out there but I feel like it can be a way of creating warm and welcoming spaces (even though they are just digital spaces, i think it's a start)

    And I think warm spaces is where meaningful connections can be formed. Also don't internalize it as something that is wrong with you because I think others share your feelings from time to time. As someone who has moved to this area in the last three years and not having grown up here or have deep roots here, I can tell you that compared to other places I have lived like small town Ontario/or the city of Hamilton, I have found that it's a lot more work in this area to cultivate warm & welcoming spaces/form connections. However when I do get to know people(after a lot of work) they are always great people and I appreicate all the people that I have gotten to know a bit. Admittedly I am a bit of an introvert but like you I also value having those close and comfortable connections. I have felt blessed to have a small circle of old friends out of town but because we are not doing life together (proximity wise) i am also vulnerable to lonliness/isolation. I also wonder if it's because this is a town with a lot of start up families busy with careers and young kids that it's easier to fall back on established connections or not have the energy to put in the work to create those caring spaces. I don't think this is good because it keeps us in this KW culture of disconnection.

    Sorry for the rant. But just want you to know that you are not alone, I have certainly always appreciated the warmth and friendliness that you exude when we have been in the same circles!!

    I have also been thinking about organizing a girls night with some ladies from Elevation to watch a play at St Jacobs and go out for desserts. An opportunity for some of us to get to know each other better.. .especially those who don't neccessary have deep roots in Waterloo yet!!

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