Wounding Words
Wow, it's been a while since I posted an entry. Things have been a little busy around here and we did do a little "camping" trip. Since we were in a deluxe trailer most wouldn't really consider it camping but that's the way I roll.
I've also been thinking a lot about things and doing more work on improving my self image. Some really good steps have been made and I must say I am feeling quite a bit better about being myself. Part of that change has come about by facing head on some of the causes of my low self esteem. As I have done that it has been easier and easier to see some of the lies I have been telling myself and to see them as false. In doing this I have come across a memory that has affected me fairly deeply. It was something said in passing by someone who was an acquaintance of mine. I believe I can sort of see now what he would have intended by what he said but the way he said it and the words he used were just all wrong. It was inappropriate and hurtful. I think that his intention was to show me the good intention behind some damaging things said to me by other people, however what he said only served to reinforce the negative words I had heard and cause me to think that not only one person think I was heavy and unattractive but that everyone could see it and thought the same way. Though there have been a few instances that have damaged my self esteem this one memory has, I believe been the most instrumental in causing me to think that the entire world sees me as overweight and unattractive. It has caused me to think that being me will never be good enough. I am attempting to face this memory straight on. I've taken a good look at it, dissected it and have come to the conclusion that it was wrong for this person to have said this to me and that it was simple a very unfortunate choice of words on his part.
Though this has been a very helpful revelation to me it still has not given me the complete closure that I was hoping for. I have been considering contacting this person to let them know how their words effected me, that I now see the intention behind the poorly chosen words and that I forgive him for the way I interpreted them. There are a few reasons I would like to do this and a few reasons that I think it's a bad plan. As far as pros are concerned, I think it would give me better closure and a better ability to move past this and not be as worried about how everyone I meet sees me. Speaking forgiveness to someone has been a powerful healing salve in the past. The con in this matter however is that this person most likely has absolutely no recollection of saying these inappropriate words to me. Letting him know that some off handed comment he made years and years ago has been such a negative influence in someones life might be a hurtful thing to do him. However it might be a bit of an eye opener to him to be very careful of the words he picks and the things he says, especially to the impressionable young ladies I know he is involved with these days.
I was hoping that going through this issue in this forum would give me a bit more clarity in my decision however I don't think I'm any closer to figuring out the correct form of action. If you have any input feel free to let me know what you think about contacting this person or not. As it stands now I think it would cause more trouble than resolving pain but I do go back and forth on the issue a lot. Possibly I will write a letter to him but not send it. That might be my best option.
I've also been thinking a lot about things and doing more work on improving my self image. Some really good steps have been made and I must say I am feeling quite a bit better about being myself. Part of that change has come about by facing head on some of the causes of my low self esteem. As I have done that it has been easier and easier to see some of the lies I have been telling myself and to see them as false. In doing this I have come across a memory that has affected me fairly deeply. It was something said in passing by someone who was an acquaintance of mine. I believe I can sort of see now what he would have intended by what he said but the way he said it and the words he used were just all wrong. It was inappropriate and hurtful. I think that his intention was to show me the good intention behind some damaging things said to me by other people, however what he said only served to reinforce the negative words I had heard and cause me to think that not only one person think I was heavy and unattractive but that everyone could see it and thought the same way. Though there have been a few instances that have damaged my self esteem this one memory has, I believe been the most instrumental in causing me to think that the entire world sees me as overweight and unattractive. It has caused me to think that being me will never be good enough. I am attempting to face this memory straight on. I've taken a good look at it, dissected it and have come to the conclusion that it was wrong for this person to have said this to me and that it was simple a very unfortunate choice of words on his part.
Though this has been a very helpful revelation to me it still has not given me the complete closure that I was hoping for. I have been considering contacting this person to let them know how their words effected me, that I now see the intention behind the poorly chosen words and that I forgive him for the way I interpreted them. There are a few reasons I would like to do this and a few reasons that I think it's a bad plan. As far as pros are concerned, I think it would give me better closure and a better ability to move past this and not be as worried about how everyone I meet sees me. Speaking forgiveness to someone has been a powerful healing salve in the past. The con in this matter however is that this person most likely has absolutely no recollection of saying these inappropriate words to me. Letting him know that some off handed comment he made years and years ago has been such a negative influence in someones life might be a hurtful thing to do him. However it might be a bit of an eye opener to him to be very careful of the words he picks and the things he says, especially to the impressionable young ladies I know he is involved with these days.
I was hoping that going through this issue in this forum would give me a bit more clarity in my decision however I don't think I'm any closer to figuring out the correct form of action. If you have any input feel free to let me know what you think about contacting this person or not. As it stands now I think it would cause more trouble than resolving pain but I do go back and forth on the issue a lot. Possibly I will write a letter to him but not send it. That might be my best option.
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