I Brake For Brokenness
It's funny how you can hear the same thing so many times over the course of your life and never really be able to get it to sink in, yet other phrases said in passing can cut right to the core. Those ones you just can't seem to shake off no matter what you try.
As I'm sure you know if you are reading this, I struggle with self esteem issues. I always have. In fact I don't remember a time when I thought, "Hey, you know what? It's pretty awesome to be me." One thing I have discovered through responses I have gotten from this blog and through talking to women in my life is I am SO not alone in this! It seems that every woman has some sort of a struggle at least at some point in their life with feeling like they are good enough. I have some theories on that and some reasons that I believe it's more common for women to have self esteem problems but I'm not going to get into that.
I went out for coffee last night with an incredible, supportive, intelligent and compassionate woman. I've spoken with her a few times over the years about the issues I have. Yes, it's been years that I have been attempting to fix this problem and hopefully this time will be one where her words will penetrate into my heart. Hers are some of the ones I've heard over and over that aren't sinking in.
There were a few things that she spoke about that were new and surprising as well. One of the troubles I have has to do with my Love Language. I have spoken about this before and it was a really powerful book for me to read. The problem is that when I discovered my love language I figured it was then the responsibility of my husband or even the people around me, to speak that language to me and fill me up. This friend referred to it as a Bank. She said, "People can keep making deposits but it's never going to be enough because the bank is broken. You have to fix the bank." That sort of hit me in a new way. I had expected that I just wasn't feeling good about things because people we just not being loving enough towards me. This is something different. I'm just not able to retain any of the loving deposits the people in my life are making cause it's just slipping out the giant hole in the back.
The issue is how to fix it. Isn't that always the issue! What to do with this wonderful fresh information that we have. This is what lead to some of the words I have heard often in my life but have trouble accepting, or at least figuring out how to translate that in a tangible into my life. She said, "I need to find my identity and worth in being a child of God, not in the things I do or how I look, simply because I am me." Don't worry, she did tell me she understands that can be very cliche, especially for someone who has grown up in the church. It is also something I have known I need to do for a long time but have struggled with the "how" of it. I know that there is no way I can be perfect, or the best at really anything. I know I can't be good enough, kind enough, generous enough, thin enough, beautiful enough to make myself matter more. Nothing I do or say is going to change the real person that is me. I have to be okay with what I've got, with who I am. I have to realize that I am good enough, regardless of what a screw up I am and let me tell you, I'm a screw up! I might hide it well, in fact hiding it might be one of the things I really think I am good at, but it's there.
So now it comes to fixing that. To finding my self worth as a child of God. To accepting me for me and realizing that I am okay. I am good at some things. I am attractive enough. I am smart enough. It might almost take the form of some good old Stewart Smalley Daily Affirmations. The most important ones aren't in there though. I'm created in God's image and I'm forgiven.
There are also for myself, as well as for every other person with self esteem problems, some old wounds that need to heal. I'm working on processing that and figuring out what form that will take but, just like my friend said last night, "This has been going on for long enough, too long! It needs to stop." So this is me, putting on the brakes.
As I'm sure you know if you are reading this, I struggle with self esteem issues. I always have. In fact I don't remember a time when I thought, "Hey, you know what? It's pretty awesome to be me." One thing I have discovered through responses I have gotten from this blog and through talking to women in my life is I am SO not alone in this! It seems that every woman has some sort of a struggle at least at some point in their life with feeling like they are good enough. I have some theories on that and some reasons that I believe it's more common for women to have self esteem problems but I'm not going to get into that.
I went out for coffee last night with an incredible, supportive, intelligent and compassionate woman. I've spoken with her a few times over the years about the issues I have. Yes, it's been years that I have been attempting to fix this problem and hopefully this time will be one where her words will penetrate into my heart. Hers are some of the ones I've heard over and over that aren't sinking in.
There were a few things that she spoke about that were new and surprising as well. One of the troubles I have has to do with my Love Language. I have spoken about this before and it was a really powerful book for me to read. The problem is that when I discovered my love language I figured it was then the responsibility of my husband or even the people around me, to speak that language to me and fill me up. This friend referred to it as a Bank. She said, "People can keep making deposits but it's never going to be enough because the bank is broken. You have to fix the bank." That sort of hit me in a new way. I had expected that I just wasn't feeling good about things because people we just not being loving enough towards me. This is something different. I'm just not able to retain any of the loving deposits the people in my life are making cause it's just slipping out the giant hole in the back.
The issue is how to fix it. Isn't that always the issue! What to do with this wonderful fresh information that we have. This is what lead to some of the words I have heard often in my life but have trouble accepting, or at least figuring out how to translate that in a tangible into my life. She said, "I need to find my identity and worth in being a child of God, not in the things I do or how I look, simply because I am me." Don't worry, she did tell me she understands that can be very cliche, especially for someone who has grown up in the church. It is also something I have known I need to do for a long time but have struggled with the "how" of it. I know that there is no way I can be perfect, or the best at really anything. I know I can't be good enough, kind enough, generous enough, thin enough, beautiful enough to make myself matter more. Nothing I do or say is going to change the real person that is me. I have to be okay with what I've got, with who I am. I have to realize that I am good enough, regardless of what a screw up I am and let me tell you, I'm a screw up! I might hide it well, in fact hiding it might be one of the things I really think I am good at, but it's there.
So now it comes to fixing that. To finding my self worth as a child of God. To accepting me for me and realizing that I am okay. I am good at some things. I am attractive enough. I am smart enough. It might almost take the form of some good old Stewart Smalley Daily Affirmations. The most important ones aren't in there though. I'm created in God's image and I'm forgiven.
There are also for myself, as well as for every other person with self esteem problems, some old wounds that need to heal. I'm working on processing that and figuring out what form that will take but, just like my friend said last night, "This has been going on for long enough, too long! It needs to stop." So this is me, putting on the brakes.
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