Little by Little, Every Day.

So I've been doing something I most likely shouldn't. I've been weighing myself every day. Yes, every day. My husband does, indeed, think I'm crazy. I do know what this sounds like. I might have gotten a little weight obsessed. In some ways it might be bad. People have been telling me how much weight will fluctuate over a few days and how many factors are involved. I just figure if I do it every day it reminds me to keep working, and I have been working. I haven't gone on an extreme diet or started to run marathons every other day. What I have been doing is making a few very small changes that I hope can be permanent. I don't want to do something drastic that once I stop doing it will result in me being in the same position or worse. In the midst of this I am, surprisingly, becoming slightly more comfortable with the size I am. I am also realizing that I might have a skewed vision of my size.

For example, we were at the park yesterday and there was a wood and chain bridge that Trinity was playing on and she wanted me to go across it too. Though I was willing to do it I commented "I hope this holds me." To this comment my husband responds "How big do you think you are? These are 4x4 boards supported by chains that could pull a truck." Maybe I have a problem.

I don't think I really look as heavy as I am but that number really does effect my view of myself. I have in my head an idea of what a certain weight looks like so that is how I think others see me. I have a real difficulty in looking past the number. Even in high school I felt I was very over weight. I think this is mostly because the girls would say they were fat when they would get as high as 125 lbs and I was far past that. Looking back I now know that my body was about as thin as my frame would allow but that weight still seems so high. I really have no idea what is a reasonable weight for me to aim for but I am hoping to loose weight.

For the last couple weeks I have been making sure to not eat after dinner, I've been having a good breakfast, walking a LOT and taking some vitamins recommended by Dr. Oz for helping you feel full and jump starting your metabolism. So far it's done nothing. The only thing I've noticed is that mosquitoes like me more. Not exactly the results I was hoping for.

Slowly I am working on being able to see myself for what I look like and not just the number on the scale but that kind of paradigm shift takes time. I am thankful to those of you who have been helping me to see myself as I really am and ask for your patience as I improve my self esteem.

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