A Big Kick in the Self Esteem
A few months ago I had a falling out with a very close friend. For a few days it was devastating to me. I did a lot of crying, not much sleeping and spent time putting myself down for being such a terrible person that destroyed such a long friendship. You see we had been best friends since I was 18 and no I'm not going to tell you how long ago that was. For the last number of years she had been living abroad so needless to say we hadn't been spending much time together at all but I always felt that when we saw one anther it was like no time had passed at all. I'm guessing it was not that way for her.
The falling out came from me saying something out of concern for her that did not come across in the way I had intended it. She in turn was offended and chose to end the friendship. Though I apologized and attempted to explain where I was coming from I'm very sure that there will never be a friendship between us again. All contact has also been cut.
In the days that followed I came to realize that reason I was so heartbroken over the schism was mostly because of the implications it made to my personality. I felt rejected as a person and in short unlovable. I kept thinking if one of the people that knows me best in the world doesn't really like me what does that mean? It was a big knock to my self esteem to say the least. It took talking with a few FANTASTIC friends to realize that there was more to her dismissal than met the eye. One poorly stated and mildly offensive statement did not seem like enough to end a friendship over. Especially since I had attempted to explain and apologize. The friends I spoke with helped me look at my part of the friendship and see that I had attempted to be helpful, understanding, loving and supportive. I can't be responsible for how that is received.
Over the months that have passed I have come to see that I was letting that friendship hold me back. I was putting off doing things I would have liked so that I could try and do them with her. I would make excuses for her when she wouldn't reciprocate contact with me or getting together. If you really want to see someone or talk with them you will make the time. It was just hard for me to see that she didn't care as much about me as I did for her.
Now that I've had some time to think and evaluate the situation I have felt much better about myself. Yes the rejection still hurts but I have learned some valuable lessons. I can see how hard it is to maintain a relationship with someone that doesn't talk to you often. Slowly that person is on your mind less and less. They aren't as much of a priority and unless you work at things the friendship will fall apart. I'm not saying relationships are always easy. I think everyone knows they aren't. But nothing worth having comes without a cost. Being real with someone isn't always a comfortable thing but hopefully you will know that there is a person out there that will fight for you. That they will have your back when times are hard and they aren't afraid to tell you the truth. The truth does sometimes hurt but I would much rather be confronted when I am heading for trouble than have to dig myself out of a hole after the fact. That is the type of REAL friend I would like to have and I believe the type of friend I was and will be.
So for my Lent Lesson of the day I will hold on to my knowledge that I am a good friend and I will always look out for the people I love!
dismissal than met the eye. One poorly stated and mildly offensive statement did not seem like enough to end a friendship over. Especially since I had attempted to explain and apologize. The friends I spoke with helped me to look at my part of the friendship and see that I had attempted to be helpful, understanding, loving and supportive. I can't be responsible for how that is received.
Over the months that have passed since I have come to see that I was letting that friendship hold me back from doing things I would enjoy or even opening myself up to other friendships. When I would think of something I might like to do or a place that I would like to go often I would make a mental note to do those things with her. Since she did not make herself available to do these things with me I was putting them on hold, waiting for a date when she might miraculously be interested. I also discovered I was making excuses for her. When she would put off getting together or wouldn't communicate I would explain it away. "She's really busy right now." "There is a lot of change in her life at the moment." "She's always been more introverted."
Now that I've had some time to think and evaluate the situation I have felt much better about myself. Yes the rejection still hurts but I have learned some good lessons. It also made me think about how we often walk away from our relationship with God. This has given me the opportunity to see things more from his perspective. I understand a small part of the hurt and betrayal that he must feel when someone walks away from him. I can also see how hard it is to maintain a relationship with someone that doesn't talk to you often. Slowly that person is on your mind less and less. They aren't as much of a priority and unless you work at things the friendship will fall apart.
I'm not saying that things will always be easy but nothing worth having comes without a little pain. Being real with someone will not always be comfortable but hopefully you will know that there is a person out there that cares enough about you to hurt you just a little in order to help you. I would rather have someone confront me when they see me heading for trouble than have to dig myself out of a hole after the fact. That is the type of REAL friend I would like to have and I believe the type of friend I was and will be.
The falling out came from me saying something out of concern for her that did not come across in the way I had intended it. She in turn was offended and chose to end the friendship. Though I apologized and attempted to explain where I was coming from I'm very sure that there will never be a friendship between us again. All contact has also been cut.
In the days that followed I came to realize that reason I was so heartbroken over the schism was mostly because of the implications it made to my personality. I felt rejected as a person and in short unlovable. I kept thinking if one of the people that knows me best in the world doesn't really like me what does that mean? It was a big knock to my self esteem to say the least. It took talking with a few FANTASTIC friends to realize that there was more to her dismissal than met the eye. One poorly stated and mildly offensive statement did not seem like enough to end a friendship over. Especially since I had attempted to explain and apologize. The friends I spoke with helped me look at my part of the friendship and see that I had attempted to be helpful, understanding, loving and supportive. I can't be responsible for how that is received.
Over the months that have passed I have come to see that I was letting that friendship hold me back. I was putting off doing things I would have liked so that I could try and do them with her. I would make excuses for her when she wouldn't reciprocate contact with me or getting together. If you really want to see someone or talk with them you will make the time. It was just hard for me to see that she didn't care as much about me as I did for her.
Now that I've had some time to think and evaluate the situation I have felt much better about myself. Yes the rejection still hurts but I have learned some valuable lessons. I can see how hard it is to maintain a relationship with someone that doesn't talk to you often. Slowly that person is on your mind less and less. They aren't as much of a priority and unless you work at things the friendship will fall apart. I'm not saying relationships are always easy. I think everyone knows they aren't. But nothing worth having comes without a cost. Being real with someone isn't always a comfortable thing but hopefully you will know that there is a person out there that will fight for you. That they will have your back when times are hard and they aren't afraid to tell you the truth. The truth does sometimes hurt but I would much rather be confronted when I am heading for trouble than have to dig myself out of a hole after the fact. That is the type of REAL friend I would like to have and I believe the type of friend I was and will be.
So for my Lent Lesson of the day I will hold on to my knowledge that I am a good friend and I will always look out for the people I love!
dismissal than met the eye. One poorly stated and mildly offensive statement did not seem like enough to end a friendship over. Especially since I had attempted to explain and apologize. The friends I spoke with helped me to look at my part of the friendship and see that I had attempted to be helpful, understanding, loving and supportive. I can't be responsible for how that is received.
Over the months that have passed since I have come to see that I was letting that friendship hold me back from doing things I would enjoy or even opening myself up to other friendships. When I would think of something I might like to do or a place that I would like to go often I would make a mental note to do those things with her. Since she did not make herself available to do these things with me I was putting them on hold, waiting for a date when she might miraculously be interested. I also discovered I was making excuses for her. When she would put off getting together or wouldn't communicate I would explain it away. "She's really busy right now." "There is a lot of change in her life at the moment." "She's always been more introverted."
Now that I've had some time to think and evaluate the situation I have felt much better about myself. Yes the rejection still hurts but I have learned some good lessons. It also made me think about how we often walk away from our relationship with God. This has given me the opportunity to see things more from his perspective. I understand a small part of the hurt and betrayal that he must feel when someone walks away from him. I can also see how hard it is to maintain a relationship with someone that doesn't talk to you often. Slowly that person is on your mind less and less. They aren't as much of a priority and unless you work at things the friendship will fall apart.
I'm not saying that things will always be easy but nothing worth having comes without a little pain. Being real with someone will not always be comfortable but hopefully you will know that there is a person out there that cares enough about you to hurt you just a little in order to help you. I would rather have someone confront me when they see me heading for trouble than have to dig myself out of a hole after the fact. That is the type of REAL friend I would like to have and I believe the type of friend I was and will be.
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