Easter Mourning

Easter has now come and gone and brought with it the end of lent. Now the question remains, will I be able to keep up my efforts to maintain a better self image? It has been interesting for me to see the number of areas of my life that self esteem problems can rear it's ugly head. It's been interesting for me to see how I have allowed my poor view of myself to affect my reaching out to others, communication, parenting, marriage and spiritual life. Bringing myself down has in fact been an insult to those around me that love me for who I am and the God that created me. It says to them that they have poor taste and judgment for loving someone so flawed. I will attempt to cease my insults to myself, therefor them.

This season of lent I have also realized that my "recovery" has also somewhat mirrored the 12 step program followed by many addicts. Though there doesn't seem to be any benefits to poor self esteem (at least I don't think you get a "high" from it) it does seem to be a sort of addiction. I didn't really follow the order of the 12 steps but as I look at them I see that quite a number of those ideas were the underlying battles of my 40 days. I have been working towards making amends and resolving some of the conflicts that I have had in the past as well as realizing when I will not be able to fix some relationships and attempting to let them go.

Since I have trouble letting things go sometimes I realized I can push and push at an issue for so long that the other people involved close off more and become unwilling to resolve our problems. I think it's in part because of my stubborn nature. It was interesting to see how that too might be related to my problems with my self esteem. Everything that happens to us in our lives does make a mark on us and creates the personality we have. Hopefully now I will be able to see when that effect is positive or negative and only allow the good to form and shape me. I am stronger that I have let myself believe and I can choose to allow things to change me for the good or bad. With the eye opening experience of lent behind my my hope and prayer is that I will consciously continue to better myself so I will in turn be able to be a blessing to those around me. So as Easter reminds us of the hope of new life, this Easter reminds me to put to death my negativity and rise again with a new outlook.

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