What's in a Name

Nostalgia has been creeping into my self conscious lately. With all this thinking about the root of poor self esteem I have been muddling into my past and remembering the bad but also the good. I can totally see that my self image was very skewed back then. In high school I felt like the ugly duckling. In a small town where I didn't quite feel I fit in even small deviations from the norm were noted. I got my belly button pierced when I was 17 (yes i know you are supposed to be 18 or have consent but I just told them I was 18) and it was still on the fringe of strange back then and I think I was the only one that had it done at the time in the school. My nick name with a few people was actually Freak. Yes you heard me right. I have had a few unusual nick names over the years. Freak, Ogre, Roach, Ratchet, Coconuts,Cheese and Olga. Yes, all quite unusual and all with back stories.

Freak was interesting because it showed that even someone that might look pretty straight laced today (at least that's how I think I look, I have no idea) a small deviation from the norm in a small town is a big deal. I realize now that though I really didn't feel that I fit in I was constantly lamenting that fact. I wanted to be popular, have tuns of friends and most of all a boyfriend.

I hovered in between a few groups I think. I had skipped a grade so I was younger than the peers in my class but didn't cross paths that often with those my own age. I also spent a lot of outside school time with my youth group from church but also was drawn to the more "marginal" people at school.

Looking back I think I felt more disconnected that I actually was and I think there might have been a boy or two that was interested in me but they didn't tend to make any sort of advancement towards spending time with me. Actually, that isn't true. There was a few guys that did express some interest but I didn't feel any romantic feelings toward them so I turned them down. I wonder if I would have had a bit more confidence back then how different things would have been. More than likely I would have simply ended up in a lot of trouble.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell my high school self that I actually looked FANTASTIC and that I didn't need to worry about what other people thought of me. I have been wondering how much of how I saw myself matched up with how others saw me. I remember not fitting in and feeling unattractive and awkward. When others looked at me is that what they saw too? I'm thinking that for the most part how we see ourselves isn't really much of an indication of reality, although they did call me Freak. Hmmmmmm........

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