It's Not Easy Being Mean

In the last few posts I have focused on having an attitude of forgiveness and steps that can be taken towards that but there is also the other side of the equation, when you are the one in need of being forgiven.  I think all of us have also been in this position too and sometimes it's not easy to accept.  I have titled this post "It's Not Easy Being Mean" because, although we don't want to accept the idea that we do things that are hurtful and mean to others we are all human and make mistakes.  Those mistakes do hurt others.

Usually the first thing that happens when we get caught messing up is we try to shift the blame elsewhere or make excuses for why we did it.  "I only said those mean things because SHE said ... about me."  "I just took that opportunity/object/person/etc. from him because HE wasn't holding up his end of the bargon."  We can come up with any number of excuses  reasons for doing what we do. That doesn't make it right and that is a hard thing to admit.

The act of retaliation (that's really what it is) might seem justified or cathartic it really only makes things worse.  It also causes setbacks on the way to resolving or issues and truly reconciling the relationship.  Take, for example, a marriage relationship.  A couple starts off their relationship and say the husband stops bringing home flowers (something he did while they were dating and one of the things she loved about him).  The wife is hurt by this and stops making plans for them to spend time with friends and instead starts going out on her own with her single girlfriends.  His time spent with her was important to him so he stops doing something she likes.  It's a vicious circle of retaliation, one that can very quickly get out of controle unless someone decides to break the cycle and forgive.  If, when the husband stopped bringing home flowers the wife talked with him about it, she told him why it hurt her, they figured out a solution and she forgave they could have improved on their marriage and made it stronger.  He would have been the one "in the wrong" and in need of forgiveness.  However, the second she chose to retaliate instead of resolve she then needed forgiveness too.

We have all heard that 2 wrongs don't make a right but somehow, in the midst of hurt we want the other person to experience out pain as well so we hurt them back.  This is a totally natural response.  I know I have been majorly guilty of this.  I have been hurt and acted out because of it.  I can tell you from my experience it did not help.  It didn't even make me feel better.  All that my "retaliation" did was make me feel guilty and placed me in the wrong too.

The other interesting thing about retaliation is it quite often escalates.  Someone does something a little hurtful to us we really want to make them aware we are hurt so we do something bigger and more hurtful back.  Instead of hurting them we actually make them look better because in comparison what we did back is harsher and more cruel.  Not exactly the effect we were hoping for is it?

It's not that we should refrain from retaliation just to make the other person look like the bad guy and to get the sympathy of the tragic victim but it may help to see how our reaction could be perseaved.  I also know that retaliation can get really out of controle quite quickly and before you know it, two people who loved, respected and cherished one another can instead be filled with disdain.  That really isn't what we want, right?

There can be so many reason we choose to act this way.  Mine tends to be insecurity.  Though getting back at someone might seem gratifying and maybe even necessary at the time, it's really a lonely and heart wrenching way to live.  It's one that alienates us from the ones we love and keeps those around us walking on egg shells constantly fearful of our reaction to anything we deam wrong.  I for one would rather have people want to please me out of love instead of fear.  Cause we don't make a very easy life for ourselves being mean.  Believe me.



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