Forgive And...What Was I Saying?
I have a feeling some of the people that might have read yesterday's post could be mad at me. It's possible they are thinking about some horrible thing that has happened to them and wondering how, or even why they could forgive that. Some of you could be angry because you think I'm shifting the "blame" to the one holding out on forgiveness instead of the one that did the wrong thing. It might sound like I am making light of a difficult situation and I don't know how hard it is to choose to forgive.
I have never really liked the motto "forgive and forget" very much. I know that I can forgive but forgetting, well that's another story. We have a tendency to really get stuck on the negative too. It makes it SO EASY to hold a grudge. It would be really nice, not to mention helpful, if we had a delete button for our brains. Someone calls us a nasty name, delete. We are abused by someone who is supposed to protect us, delete. We get made fun of at school, delete. We are left by a partner, delete. Any painful memory could be tossed out, never to hold us back and hurt us ever again.
Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. We do remember and we remember it for a long time. I don't even need a good reason to hold a grudge. I hold on to the tiniest little annoyances for a long time. In fact, if I am completely honest, I'm still a little mad at my dad because he didn't take me golfing when I was 13! So I understand that forgiveness is difficult and I also know I tend to not be very good at it. If I hold on to something so little and insignificant for that long imaging what I do with the big things.
There has to be a reason to do all the hard work of forgiveness and it has to be a good one. With some relationships that aren't so close it ends up being easiest to just cut that person out of your life. Even in relationships with family and certainly in marriages this is quite often attempted. Sometime, in the case of abuse this is even necessary. We aren't supposed to be doormats that just let everyone treat us poorly and keep on hurting us again and again. My suggestion to forgive is not an attempt to make light of the very real pain people can cause us.
I think we need to look at what forgiveness actually does. Is it letting that person off the hook for their wrong actions? Sometimes, yes. When someone is unrepentant of their wrong and they do not make efforts to change and we continuously forgive without a consequence to that person they are not required to change. It is possible though to forgive in a healthy way even when dealing with an unrepentant person.
You might wonder, why bother. What is the point of doing the hard work of forgiveness when the person doesn't feel bad or even want to change? Doesn't seem very logical, does it? Let's take a look at what happens when we don't forgive. First, what happens to the other party in this equation. If we don't forgive them that relationship will not be a healthy one and will most likely end. I talked mostly about that yesterday. Sometimes that is what we would rather have happen. We don't want that hurtful person in our lives, right. This is especially true with an unrepentant person. If they don't repent and we don't forgive what does that do to "punish" them? Absolutely nothing. It doesn't hurt them at all. If they don't care that they did wrong to you they certainly don't care if you forgive them or not.
What does that grudge do to us though? I believe I might have shared this before but it's worth repeating. My grandfather told someone recently, "Holding on to anger towards someone is like drinking a bottle of poison and expecting it to kill the other person." Anger, or unforgiveness really is only hurting ourselves. How does it hurt us? It's hard to let in love and good when we are already so full of resentment and hate. We are also less willing to trust that someone else won't hurt us when we don't forgive. Not saying that we should throw cation to the wind and trust everyone, even when they seem careless. We should be aware of potential problems but still open to trying.
I do recognize that letting go of hurt is difficult and painful though. Often I don't even know where to start. They say time heals all wounds. I think that is a load of... Well, crap. If you don't consciously work on healing emotional wounds no amount of time will heal them. As time goes by they will simply fester and grow.
One method that has been very helpful for myself in working towards forgiveness is venting some steam. For me that takes the form of a forgiveness letter. I write out what it is that hurt me, why I am angry about is and then I literally write I forgive you. It might not sound like it would really do much of anything but I know from experience it really helps. Sometimes I will actually give the person the letter but sometimes I haven't and both have been just as effective. Another version of this would be telling the person directly. That could help if you are hopeful that person will apologize and change but if you are basing your forgiveness on the hope they will repent that can be dangerous. You could end up hurting yourself all over again if their reaction doesn't meet your expectation. A safer way would be to talk about it with someone else, preferably someone outside the situation that doesn't know the other party. The danger there lies in the draw towards simply complaining, gossiping or bashing the person instead of forgiving. Another dangerous possibility occurs when the shoulder you lean on for assistance with a significant other is the same sex as your partner. In that situation it can start to look a lot more appealing to start a new relationship with the confidant than to do the hard work of forgiving your partner. I understand that appeal and sometimes it is easier but it doesn't really fix anything and if there are kids involved you can never truly escape those issues. You will still have to find a way of having a civil relationship. Sometimes what you avoid short term can cause big issues long term.
I'm not trying to be mean here or fault you for reasoning. My hope is that by sharing some of the lessons I learned through experiences I can save you from some of the pain and heartache I have been through.
I have never really liked the motto "forgive and forget" very much. I know that I can forgive but forgetting, well that's another story. We have a tendency to really get stuck on the negative too. It makes it SO EASY to hold a grudge. It would be really nice, not to mention helpful, if we had a delete button for our brains. Someone calls us a nasty name, delete. We are abused by someone who is supposed to protect us, delete. We get made fun of at school, delete. We are left by a partner, delete. Any painful memory could be tossed out, never to hold us back and hurt us ever again.
Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. We do remember and we remember it for a long time. I don't even need a good reason to hold a grudge. I hold on to the tiniest little annoyances for a long time. In fact, if I am completely honest, I'm still a little mad at my dad because he didn't take me golfing when I was 13! So I understand that forgiveness is difficult and I also know I tend to not be very good at it. If I hold on to something so little and insignificant for that long imaging what I do with the big things.
There has to be a reason to do all the hard work of forgiveness and it has to be a good one. With some relationships that aren't so close it ends up being easiest to just cut that person out of your life. Even in relationships with family and certainly in marriages this is quite often attempted. Sometime, in the case of abuse this is even necessary. We aren't supposed to be doormats that just let everyone treat us poorly and keep on hurting us again and again. My suggestion to forgive is not an attempt to make light of the very real pain people can cause us.
I think we need to look at what forgiveness actually does. Is it letting that person off the hook for their wrong actions? Sometimes, yes. When someone is unrepentant of their wrong and they do not make efforts to change and we continuously forgive without a consequence to that person they are not required to change. It is possible though to forgive in a healthy way even when dealing with an unrepentant person.
You might wonder, why bother. What is the point of doing the hard work of forgiveness when the person doesn't feel bad or even want to change? Doesn't seem very logical, does it? Let's take a look at what happens when we don't forgive. First, what happens to the other party in this equation. If we don't forgive them that relationship will not be a healthy one and will most likely end. I talked mostly about that yesterday. Sometimes that is what we would rather have happen. We don't want that hurtful person in our lives, right. This is especially true with an unrepentant person. If they don't repent and we don't forgive what does that do to "punish" them? Absolutely nothing. It doesn't hurt them at all. If they don't care that they did wrong to you they certainly don't care if you forgive them or not.
What does that grudge do to us though? I believe I might have shared this before but it's worth repeating. My grandfather told someone recently, "Holding on to anger towards someone is like drinking a bottle of poison and expecting it to kill the other person." Anger, or unforgiveness really is only hurting ourselves. How does it hurt us? It's hard to let in love and good when we are already so full of resentment and hate. We are also less willing to trust that someone else won't hurt us when we don't forgive. Not saying that we should throw cation to the wind and trust everyone, even when they seem careless. We should be aware of potential problems but still open to trying.
I do recognize that letting go of hurt is difficult and painful though. Often I don't even know where to start. They say time heals all wounds. I think that is a load of... Well, crap. If you don't consciously work on healing emotional wounds no amount of time will heal them. As time goes by they will simply fester and grow.
One method that has been very helpful for myself in working towards forgiveness is venting some steam. For me that takes the form of a forgiveness letter. I write out what it is that hurt me, why I am angry about is and then I literally write I forgive you. It might not sound like it would really do much of anything but I know from experience it really helps. Sometimes I will actually give the person the letter but sometimes I haven't and both have been just as effective. Another version of this would be telling the person directly. That could help if you are hopeful that person will apologize and change but if you are basing your forgiveness on the hope they will repent that can be dangerous. You could end up hurting yourself all over again if their reaction doesn't meet your expectation. A safer way would be to talk about it with someone else, preferably someone outside the situation that doesn't know the other party. The danger there lies in the draw towards simply complaining, gossiping or bashing the person instead of forgiving. Another dangerous possibility occurs when the shoulder you lean on for assistance with a significant other is the same sex as your partner. In that situation it can start to look a lot more appealing to start a new relationship with the confidant than to do the hard work of forgiving your partner. I understand that appeal and sometimes it is easier but it doesn't really fix anything and if there are kids involved you can never truly escape those issues. You will still have to find a way of having a civil relationship. Sometimes what you avoid short term can cause big issues long term.
I'm not trying to be mean here or fault you for reasoning. My hope is that by sharing some of the lessons I learned through experiences I can save you from some of the pain and heartache I have been through.
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