A Chance Encounter

It's funny how the smallest little incident can bring you back down a few steps on your road to self acceptance.  One of those incidents happened to me just the other day.  When I was out I saw this woman, I did abut of a double take, she looked familiar but I couldn't quite place her.  She gave me a little look to but I wasn't sure if it was because she knew me too or if she just caught me looking at her.  That's it, end of incident. 

I know you're thinking what's the big deal and it would have just passed through my mind and would have been over if it hadn't been for what happened next.  I climbed into the van with my husband and he said "I think I saw ________'s wife."  A lightbulb went off.  That was the woman I saw!  It was her!  The problem is she and I had a falling out a few years ago and I haven't seen her in a long time.  I also know that she really isn't fond of me...at all.  For reason that I am still not fully aware of we went from hanging out and talking a lot to her not wanting to have anything to do with me.  So the relationship ended and we no longer have any mutual friends to connect us.

Skip to the van with my husband and I imidiately say, "I wish I was skinnier when I saw her!"  Enter confused husband.  He really has no idea why my size should matter when I am crossing paths with someone that isn't even a part of my life anymore.  The truth is it shouldn't matter.  I shouldn't care but I now know she must have recognized me too and my brain runs wild with conversations she must be having today with my circle of former friends.  It goes something like this, "You'll never guess who I saw yesterday!  She's gotten really fat and she looks terrible!"  Then I envision them rehashing all the reasons they dislike me and laughing at how I never even found out what I did that caused them to turn on me.  I don't think I would be alone in my thinking that when you see someone with whome the relationship ended poorly you want to look your absolute best.  That way they don't have as much negative to pick on.

I go over the situation again and I realize that at the time the two of us went separate ways I actually was about the same size as I am now, maybe even a little bigger.  I say a siglent thank you that I was at least wearing makeup and I had on decent cloths.  Then I think about the sermon we just had yesterday morning.  The same day this incident took place!  We were talking about influence.  About making sure we are a good influence on those around us and how we shouldn't allow ourselves to be swayed by negative influence in our lives.  Maybe that is part of why this incident bothers me.  I am bothered by the reminder that I might not have had the best reaction to the disintegration of that relationship.  I don't think I was the best example and I don't know how my influence affected her.  I am also bothered by the fact that I have allowed this relationship to have such a poor influence on me.  I have allowed that broken relationship to much power and away over my emotional state and am letting this small incident to set me back in my journey toward self acceptance.  

So what's the next step?  I suppose I just forget I saw her and move on.  I mean it's not like we even have the same circles anymore.  There isn't any way I'll find out what she really said about me and what does it really matter if I did.  Does what she says change who I am?  No, not at all but letting it hold me back does cripple my confidence and hold be back from being a positive influence to those that are in my circle now.  So hopefully this entry will turn that potential negative into a positive.  By admitting to my stumble into self doubt my hope is that others might see the silly ways they let themselves be held back too and allow them the freedom to stop second guessing themselves too.


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