Fix It Felix
Have you seen the movie Wreck it Ralph? If not then I certainly recommend it. It was a great movie that our whole family enjoyed. One thing that I really liked was how the "good guy" Fix it Felix, had a magical hammer that fixes everything when he hits something with it. Even things like, say, his face. Sometimes I think my kids believe my husband must have one of these hammers stashed away someplace. After all he can fix just about anything. Even if the supplies to repair said item cost more than the item itself. It doesn't matter cause it's about making them happy.
Once in a while though something will get broken that is irreparable. That's when I really wish I had Felix's hammer. Especially when what gets broken is a relationship.
I was thinking about one of these relationships today and mourning for the unnecessary pain that still exists there that I wish could be fixed. This is when I started to think about what it is about a broken relationship that makes it irreparable? I have, in my own experiences, had a relationship brake over such a small thing it seems crazy it couldn't be resolved. Then there have been other relationships that seemed so broken, so pained and festering, that there was no hope of them ever being put back together in a healthy way but somehow the impossible happens and they turn into healthy, happy and strong partnerships.
Yes, I have experienced both of these struggles and so from that perspective I believe I can speak to what really makes mountain out of a mole hill and what makes the impossible possible. From my experience the answer is simply forgiveness.
I have also been on both sides of this coin. I have been the one that needed to learn to forgive and let something go and I have also been the one in deep need of the grace of forgiveness. I truly believe that the glue that will mend a broken relationship is the power of forgiveness.
Why is that? Well, it's because we all make mistakes and do things the wrong way. After all we are flawed people that are incapable of perfection. I can garontee however that in every broken relationship you or I have experienced there was one person who was unwilling to forgive.
I know what you might be thinking right now. You might be angry with me thinking, "you don't know how badly I was hurt. You don't understand the evil that was done to me." You would be right. I don't know what has happened to you. I have no idea how you were wronged and how deep the pain is rooted in your heart.
I do understand that there are people that have done some very terrible things. I know there are many that are unrepentant of their wrongs. There are many people that don't deserve forgiveness. I am not trying to tell you that forgiveness means you need to accept being constantly hurt and abused. For forgiveness to be truly effective there does need to be a willingness to change destructive behaviour. If that doesn't exist then the relationship will remain broken.
Though there are many broken relationships the place it becomes the most obvious is in marriages. After all if someone has a falling out with a friend or even a family member there can be ways to hide that but if you are no longer with your partner, well, it gets noticed. It is possible to have a broken marriage though without a brake up. Just because you are still together doesn't mean you are healthy.
So what is it that indicates if a relationship is healthy? Many use happiness as a guage. I actually read a blog about this today after I had already been thinking about the topic of broken relationships. There is so much emphasis on if you can be happy together of not. So lets address this happiness. What is it really?
In order for you to be happy in your marriage what needs to happen? Must your partner do a song and dance routine constantly to entertain you? Do they need to lavish you with gifts on a constant basis? Should they constantly be telling you how wonderful and amazing you are? Do they need to wait on you hand and foot so that your every need is met? Maybe they need to fulfill your every physical desire and even cuddle afterwards? I think most people would realize that these are unrealistic expectations that no one person can meet, let alone accept if it was expected of us. So how do we then achieve this elusive happiness? What really does "make" us happy? To me, happiness is contentment. It is acceptance of who I am, falts and all. If what makes a happy, healthy marriage is acceptance then lets follow the chain to the next step, forgiveness of the mistakes and falts that make us who we are.
This is were, I believe, the breakdown occurs. We all want this deep acceptance of who we truly are but in a relationship that breaks down I can bet that at least one party was unable to either forgive or seek forgiveness.
In my own relationship I must say that I have been very blessed to have found a forgiving partner because I needed it. Our personal responsibility is to make sure we are willing to forgive the shortfalls of others and seek forgiveness (and being repentant) for our mistakes and failures. That is, unfortunately all we can do. We can't force the other person to forgive us. We can't make them accept the forgiveness we offer.
I do promise one thing though. If you are both willing to work on forgiving each others mistakes then there is no limit to the horrendous messed up and completely shattered relationships that can be repaired. The flip side of this is if one isn't open to forgive even the most trivial shortcomings could lead to a miserable marriage.
So if you find yourself in an unhappy marriage one piece of advice I have for you is to make sure you aren't the one with the hard heart. If you are, that will follow you no matter what relationship you are in so for the sake of your own happiness, try to forgive.
Once in a while though something will get broken that is irreparable. That's when I really wish I had Felix's hammer. Especially when what gets broken is a relationship.
I was thinking about one of these relationships today and mourning for the unnecessary pain that still exists there that I wish could be fixed. This is when I started to think about what it is about a broken relationship that makes it irreparable? I have, in my own experiences, had a relationship brake over such a small thing it seems crazy it couldn't be resolved. Then there have been other relationships that seemed so broken, so pained and festering, that there was no hope of them ever being put back together in a healthy way but somehow the impossible happens and they turn into healthy, happy and strong partnerships.
Yes, I have experienced both of these struggles and so from that perspective I believe I can speak to what really makes mountain out of a mole hill and what makes the impossible possible. From my experience the answer is simply forgiveness.
I have also been on both sides of this coin. I have been the one that needed to learn to forgive and let something go and I have also been the one in deep need of the grace of forgiveness. I truly believe that the glue that will mend a broken relationship is the power of forgiveness.
Why is that? Well, it's because we all make mistakes and do things the wrong way. After all we are flawed people that are incapable of perfection. I can garontee however that in every broken relationship you or I have experienced there was one person who was unwilling to forgive.
I know what you might be thinking right now. You might be angry with me thinking, "you don't know how badly I was hurt. You don't understand the evil that was done to me." You would be right. I don't know what has happened to you. I have no idea how you were wronged and how deep the pain is rooted in your heart.
I do understand that there are people that have done some very terrible things. I know there are many that are unrepentant of their wrongs. There are many people that don't deserve forgiveness. I am not trying to tell you that forgiveness means you need to accept being constantly hurt and abused. For forgiveness to be truly effective there does need to be a willingness to change destructive behaviour. If that doesn't exist then the relationship will remain broken.
Though there are many broken relationships the place it becomes the most obvious is in marriages. After all if someone has a falling out with a friend or even a family member there can be ways to hide that but if you are no longer with your partner, well, it gets noticed. It is possible to have a broken marriage though without a brake up. Just because you are still together doesn't mean you are healthy.
So what is it that indicates if a relationship is healthy? Many use happiness as a guage. I actually read a blog about this today after I had already been thinking about the topic of broken relationships. There is so much emphasis on if you can be happy together of not. So lets address this happiness. What is it really?
In order for you to be happy in your marriage what needs to happen? Must your partner do a song and dance routine constantly to entertain you? Do they need to lavish you with gifts on a constant basis? Should they constantly be telling you how wonderful and amazing you are? Do they need to wait on you hand and foot so that your every need is met? Maybe they need to fulfill your every physical desire and even cuddle afterwards? I think most people would realize that these are unrealistic expectations that no one person can meet, let alone accept if it was expected of us. So how do we then achieve this elusive happiness? What really does "make" us happy? To me, happiness is contentment. It is acceptance of who I am, falts and all. If what makes a happy, healthy marriage is acceptance then lets follow the chain to the next step, forgiveness of the mistakes and falts that make us who we are.
This is were, I believe, the breakdown occurs. We all want this deep acceptance of who we truly are but in a relationship that breaks down I can bet that at least one party was unable to either forgive or seek forgiveness.
In my own relationship I must say that I have been very blessed to have found a forgiving partner because I needed it. Our personal responsibility is to make sure we are willing to forgive the shortfalls of others and seek forgiveness (and being repentant) for our mistakes and failures. That is, unfortunately all we can do. We can't force the other person to forgive us. We can't make them accept the forgiveness we offer.
I do promise one thing though. If you are both willing to work on forgiving each others mistakes then there is no limit to the horrendous messed up and completely shattered relationships that can be repaired. The flip side of this is if one isn't open to forgive even the most trivial shortcomings could lead to a miserable marriage.
So if you find yourself in an unhappy marriage one piece of advice I have for you is to make sure you aren't the one with the hard heart. If you are, that will follow you no matter what relationship you are in so for the sake of your own happiness, try to forgive.
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