"What a Difference a Mom Makes" By Dr. Kevin Leman - A Book Review
The continuation of the title of this book is "the indelible imprint a mom leaves on her son's life" and it's focus is on teaching mom's how to relate and understand our boys. My daughter has been such a well behaved child and she seems to be very self driven and desires to do her best in everything she does. The idea of not doing something right or disappointing someone is motivation enough for her to behave and do the right thing. My son however is a different story. We have been quite blessed to have 2 children that are both quite good and well behaved in most situations but having a son has been unexpectedly different for me. I had initially assumed that kids were mostly the same. Boy or girl didn't really matter a whole lot. It mattered more how you treat them when it came to development. So when my little girl grew up loving girly things (I was never overly girly and didn't push that sort of stuff) and loved dresses, babies and anything sparkly and pink I was a little surprised. Then my son comes along and right from the get go he is hitting, yelling, and loves anything that's a weapon or has a motor. We didn't expose him to violent things and here he is eating his toast into a shoot gun shape and zapping everyone at the table. Where did this come from and what do I do about it?!?!? That was the main reason I thought I should read this book. I'm quite glad I did!
One of the things that Dr. Leman repeats numerous times in his book is that the opposite sex parent is the one that holds the most influence over the development of the child. I have long believed this to be true and as a side note I do think this is one reason why so many women have issues with self esteem and self worth. There is not nearly enough daddies out there with quality involvement in their little girls lives. This is one reason I am so grateful for a husband that is wonderful with our daughter and is creating a quality relationship with her. I am thinking of getting him the "What a Difference a Daddy Makes" book that Dr. Leman also wrote.
I enjoyed his style of writing, the way he told relatable stories and shared from a male perspective. The book breaks down different scenarios as well, covering birth order, marital status, the child's age and stage of development. It also talks about how our own self esteem, upbringing and relationship with our son's father will influence his development. I didn't expect to get lessons on my marriage and self esteem from a parenting book but I found them purposeful, helpful and enlightening.
I started reading this book at the same time as my daughter went back to school. She is in grade one this year and for the first time she is going all day every day. My husband was also on afternoon shifts so during school hours he all of a sudden had 2 parents to himself. Then my daughter would come home and my husband would head off to work and it would be back to sharing one parent between them. He was not happy! In fact he was acting up worse than he had ever before. He had the worst tantrum of his life in a store on a Saturday when his dad was at work. He was fighting with his sister and wouldn't listen when I asked him to stop so I took the toy away I was going to buy for him. He has never been overly vocal when we leave the house but I tell you one thing, this time was an exception. I had never thought of myself as a very permissive parent and I had always thought that I stuck to my guns when I made a decision like that but it was at that moment that I realized that I do give in to him more than I think. I do take things away when he acts poorly but I then give them back when he makes the smallest concession or agrees to be better. I also have tended to give him attention when he's acting badly. Sure I put him in a time out but he screams and I keep talking to him over and over to tell him to quiet down or repeat over and over what he has done. One of the things I learned from this book was that I am giving him attention when I do that. It might be negative attention but it's attention none the less. At that moment I decided I would completely and totally ignore the fact that he was screaming his head off. I did not still buy the toy to give him "when he behaved better later" and even though I was totally embarrased and mortified that I was now "THAT mom" with the terrible child. I just walked out of the store while he yelled and when he grabbed on to the door frame to attempt to keep me there I just let go of his hand said goodbye and walked out. That was the only word I said to him the entire time he screamed (it was about 25 mins solid by the way) even though I had to wrestle him into the car seat he wasn't going to get into and had to turn up the music really loudly to drown him out on the way home. I just sang along to the radio as he kicked the back of my seat and tried to tell my daughter about the fun things we would do at home, even though she couldn't hear me over the noise.
That story might sound completely awful to you. You might think this was not the way to handle things at all but I tell you, it's gotten results! It takes time, obviously, before a child realizes that things have changed and it will sometimes get a bit worse before it gets better but I am finding he is changing the poor behaviour much faster now that I don't give him the attention when he acts up.
I think this was a great book that I will return to time after time when my son moves into a new stage of life. I would highly reccomend it to any mom of a son. Even if you don't have a son there are quite a few other books he has written and I'm sure one would fit your situation.
One of the things that Dr. Leman repeats numerous times in his book is that the opposite sex parent is the one that holds the most influence over the development of the child. I have long believed this to be true and as a side note I do think this is one reason why so many women have issues with self esteem and self worth. There is not nearly enough daddies out there with quality involvement in their little girls lives. This is one reason I am so grateful for a husband that is wonderful with our daughter and is creating a quality relationship with her. I am thinking of getting him the "What a Difference a Daddy Makes" book that Dr. Leman also wrote.
I enjoyed his style of writing, the way he told relatable stories and shared from a male perspective. The book breaks down different scenarios as well, covering birth order, marital status, the child's age and stage of development. It also talks about how our own self esteem, upbringing and relationship with our son's father will influence his development. I didn't expect to get lessons on my marriage and self esteem from a parenting book but I found them purposeful, helpful and enlightening.
I started reading this book at the same time as my daughter went back to school. She is in grade one this year and for the first time she is going all day every day. My husband was also on afternoon shifts so during school hours he all of a sudden had 2 parents to himself. Then my daughter would come home and my husband would head off to work and it would be back to sharing one parent between them. He was not happy! In fact he was acting up worse than he had ever before. He had the worst tantrum of his life in a store on a Saturday when his dad was at work. He was fighting with his sister and wouldn't listen when I asked him to stop so I took the toy away I was going to buy for him. He has never been overly vocal when we leave the house but I tell you one thing, this time was an exception. I had never thought of myself as a very permissive parent and I had always thought that I stuck to my guns when I made a decision like that but it was at that moment that I realized that I do give in to him more than I think. I do take things away when he acts poorly but I then give them back when he makes the smallest concession or agrees to be better. I also have tended to give him attention when he's acting badly. Sure I put him in a time out but he screams and I keep talking to him over and over to tell him to quiet down or repeat over and over what he has done. One of the things I learned from this book was that I am giving him attention when I do that. It might be negative attention but it's attention none the less. At that moment I decided I would completely and totally ignore the fact that he was screaming his head off. I did not still buy the toy to give him "when he behaved better later" and even though I was totally embarrased and mortified that I was now "THAT mom" with the terrible child. I just walked out of the store while he yelled and when he grabbed on to the door frame to attempt to keep me there I just let go of his hand said goodbye and walked out. That was the only word I said to him the entire time he screamed (it was about 25 mins solid by the way) even though I had to wrestle him into the car seat he wasn't going to get into and had to turn up the music really loudly to drown him out on the way home. I just sang along to the radio as he kicked the back of my seat and tried to tell my daughter about the fun things we would do at home, even though she couldn't hear me over the noise.
That story might sound completely awful to you. You might think this was not the way to handle things at all but I tell you, it's gotten results! It takes time, obviously, before a child realizes that things have changed and it will sometimes get a bit worse before it gets better but I am finding he is changing the poor behaviour much faster now that I don't give him the attention when he acts up.
I think this was a great book that I will return to time after time when my son moves into a new stage of life. I would highly reccomend it to any mom of a son. Even if you don't have a son there are quite a few other books he has written and I'm sure one would fit your situation.
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