My Christmas Wish
We had Christmas with Randall's mom's side on the weekend and it was a great time of visiting. Trinity and Alex really enjoyed playing with their 2 second cousins. They got spoiled with gifts and candy and even though Alex was sick they still didn't have problems with fighting and crying. All in all it was a great trip. However, as I sat in the living room and glanced at Randall's mom, just staring at the TV and not interacting, I couldn't help but be slightly saddened. She speaks very little to anyone, doesn't interact much with the children, is extremely thin to the point of looking gaunt and has a lot of trouble getting around. One of the only things she talked about was how she fell in her room last week and how her leg hurts. You see, Randall's mother has Schizophrenia. She also has had many joint problems and has had both her hips replaced. They have never quite healed well and she has a lot of trouble getting around. She lives on her own but is on a list, waiting for a place in a home where they will be able to keep a closer eye on her and make sure she is getting fed, proper medication and that she is watched a little more closely. Mind you I expect she will still fall a lot since she refuses to use the walked but they might have better results then friends and family.
We are having her over for dinner this week for a Christmas get together and I know already how visit with her go. She will say a few words to us and a few words to the kids and after that it's like Randall and I having a conversation with each other with someone else listening in. Christmas is the most difficult time to know what to do for her. I always hope that we will be able to gift her with something that will improve the quality of her life. I think of books, or a magazine subscription, a DVD player and some movies she might enjoy but books go unread, magazines left untouched, we have no idea if she even turns on the TV we gave her and movies would be the same. I've often asked Randall what she does all the time and he tells me that mostly she just sleeps. The medication she need to be on makes her tired and all that she wants to do is sleep. It makes me cry. I'm saddened that she doesn't have a better quality to her life. She doesn't seem to have happiness or enjoyment in anything but the thing that makes me the saddest is that she doesn't seem to notice. It's just life, going on around her. Occasionally someone drifts close to her and she will notice for a moment but then it's back to the drifting. I'm sad for my Children. They have such a wonderful relationship with my mom I would love for them to have that enjoyment in their relationship with her. I'm saddened for my husband. He was never very close with his mother and her diagnosis when he was 18 has really just broadened the distance. I'm also sad for myself. I had always hoped for a fun and carefree relationship with a mother in law. Another parent that I could spend time with, laugh with, share my cares and concerns and someone who would offer advice for a time when children seem difficult and unruly.
I am also afraid. Occasions will come along where I will wonder what is in store for the future of my family. My husband was 18 when his mother was diagnosed. I see the effect on the relationship she had with her husband and son and I pray this isn't the future for myself as well. Will this be a hereditary illness? Will I wake up one day to find my husband changed, worried, paranoid, angry? What about my children? Is this illness something that they could some day struggle with as well? There is no cure and as I have seen, even the medication does not really help the person live a fuller life. All I see is a dulling of the senses. Sleep replaces mania. Disconnect replaces paranoia. Cadging the illness does not make it go away. It just locks it inside and makes the person seem tame.
I try not to concern myself with the what ifs of the future. I pray that there will be some improvement with her and that the illness will not rear it's ugly head again. I hope that she has some enjoyment to her life. Some happiness that maybe is inside that we just don't see. She seems content with things the way they are. I wonder if this semi catatonic state is preferable to the chaos she was accustomed too. Mostly I just wonder what I should be doing. If there is anything that can help but every path seems to be a dead end. I suppose that everything is being done that can be done. I just wish there was more.
We are having her over for dinner this week for a Christmas get together and I know already how visit with her go. She will say a few words to us and a few words to the kids and after that it's like Randall and I having a conversation with each other with someone else listening in. Christmas is the most difficult time to know what to do for her. I always hope that we will be able to gift her with something that will improve the quality of her life. I think of books, or a magazine subscription, a DVD player and some movies she might enjoy but books go unread, magazines left untouched, we have no idea if she even turns on the TV we gave her and movies would be the same. I've often asked Randall what she does all the time and he tells me that mostly she just sleeps. The medication she need to be on makes her tired and all that she wants to do is sleep. It makes me cry. I'm saddened that she doesn't have a better quality to her life. She doesn't seem to have happiness or enjoyment in anything but the thing that makes me the saddest is that she doesn't seem to notice. It's just life, going on around her. Occasionally someone drifts close to her and she will notice for a moment but then it's back to the drifting. I'm sad for my Children. They have such a wonderful relationship with my mom I would love for them to have that enjoyment in their relationship with her. I'm saddened for my husband. He was never very close with his mother and her diagnosis when he was 18 has really just broadened the distance. I'm also sad for myself. I had always hoped for a fun and carefree relationship with a mother in law. Another parent that I could spend time with, laugh with, share my cares and concerns and someone who would offer advice for a time when children seem difficult and unruly.
I am also afraid. Occasions will come along where I will wonder what is in store for the future of my family. My husband was 18 when his mother was diagnosed. I see the effect on the relationship she had with her husband and son and I pray this isn't the future for myself as well. Will this be a hereditary illness? Will I wake up one day to find my husband changed, worried, paranoid, angry? What about my children? Is this illness something that they could some day struggle with as well? There is no cure and as I have seen, even the medication does not really help the person live a fuller life. All I see is a dulling of the senses. Sleep replaces mania. Disconnect replaces paranoia. Cadging the illness does not make it go away. It just locks it inside and makes the person seem tame.
I try not to concern myself with the what ifs of the future. I pray that there will be some improvement with her and that the illness will not rear it's ugly head again. I hope that she has some enjoyment to her life. Some happiness that maybe is inside that we just don't see. She seems content with things the way they are. I wonder if this semi catatonic state is preferable to the chaos she was accustomed too. Mostly I just wonder what I should be doing. If there is anything that can help but every path seems to be a dead end. I suppose that everything is being done that can be done. I just wish there was more.
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