Weed In My Heart
I've been on a journey to improve my self esteem for many months now. Giving up negative self talk for Lent was the catalyst that really launched my attitudes and emotions to the forefront but truthfully this has been a problem lurking under the surface for years. As such it's been really difficult to dig down to the root and make sure it never comes back. Like the many dandelions in our yard I know I have missed a few.
Though I have done well at throwing most of the major offenders in the trash I know there are some little sprouts that have been popping up again lately. I do understand that even the most well manicured lawns are never perfect. Even my my neighbours get the occasional weed. However, I feel I have some gardening to do again.
I have made a number of improvements in my health and wellness lately and have even been able to sleep a little more readily and soundly (I have bouts of insomnia), but I have been starting to feel once again like it's not enough. One thing that bothers me is photographs. I really don't have very many of myself. One reason is that I am the one that ends up taking the majority of them. Another reason is I don't think I am very photogenic. Really the only photos I tend to approve are ones I take myself, with the camera turned towards me and my arm stretched out as long as I can make it. This is because I really just take head shots. If you can only see from my shoulders up I don't look quite as heavy. Even with that though I end up taking about 10 or 15 before I find one with the angles just right and the lighting working to my best advantage. Even those I only really find acceptable, not enjoyable.
I asked my husband an unusual question the other day. There are a few people I know that take fantastic photos! No mater what the light or the angle they always seem to have this ability to look slim and polished. I feel like I am about the same size as a few women I know but when I look at pictures of both myself and them I feel frumpy, blotchy and thick. I asked my husband, "Am I deluded to think that I am about the same size as they are? When I look at pictures I seem so much heavier." I also told him to be honest. Wise or not, he would tell me if I was bigger than them. I do appreciate the honesty although I know that if I am ever looking for a pat on the back when I ask "Does this make me look heavy?" I can just forget about it. He told me that told me that I am actually about the same size as these other women. Somehow they are just quite photogenic. I was never blessed with that gene.
So now I have this root exposed. This knowledge that it's not as "bad" as it seems. It will remain to be seen if this weed will come back or if it has been sent to the compost heap for good. I hope I'm making some good soil in there. I think the pile has gotten quite big. I just have to keep turning it see what will nourish.
Though I have done well at throwing most of the major offenders in the trash I know there are some little sprouts that have been popping up again lately. I do understand that even the most well manicured lawns are never perfect. Even my my neighbours get the occasional weed. However, I feel I have some gardening to do again.
I have made a number of improvements in my health and wellness lately and have even been able to sleep a little more readily and soundly (I have bouts of insomnia), but I have been starting to feel once again like it's not enough. One thing that bothers me is photographs. I really don't have very many of myself. One reason is that I am the one that ends up taking the majority of them. Another reason is I don't think I am very photogenic. Really the only photos I tend to approve are ones I take myself, with the camera turned towards me and my arm stretched out as long as I can make it. This is because I really just take head shots. If you can only see from my shoulders up I don't look quite as heavy. Even with that though I end up taking about 10 or 15 before I find one with the angles just right and the lighting working to my best advantage. Even those I only really find acceptable, not enjoyable.
I asked my husband an unusual question the other day. There are a few people I know that take fantastic photos! No mater what the light or the angle they always seem to have this ability to look slim and polished. I feel like I am about the same size as a few women I know but when I look at pictures of both myself and them I feel frumpy, blotchy and thick. I asked my husband, "Am I deluded to think that I am about the same size as they are? When I look at pictures I seem so much heavier." I also told him to be honest. Wise or not, he would tell me if I was bigger than them. I do appreciate the honesty although I know that if I am ever looking for a pat on the back when I ask "Does this make me look heavy?" I can just forget about it. He told me that told me that I am actually about the same size as these other women. Somehow they are just quite photogenic. I was never blessed with that gene.
So now I have this root exposed. This knowledge that it's not as "bad" as it seems. It will remain to be seen if this weed will come back or if it has been sent to the compost heap for good. I hope I'm making some good soil in there. I think the pile has gotten quite big. I just have to keep turning it see what will nourish.
Rachel -- I never know whether this kind of comment undermines or helps your process, but I want to tell you that you may or may not be photogenic but when I think of you, I think of your dazzling smile and your really cool sense of style and I think you're beautiful.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I do the same thing as you -- asking my husband whether a person is a similar/bigger/smaller size than me. Once in a while, for a joke, I find someone who is really really tiny or really, really big and ask then too.