Taking Justice Into Our Own Feet

Lately I have been in a few interesting and thought provoking conversations.  One of those revolved around an article entitled Why I Gave My Daughter Permission to Kick Your Son in the Balls.  The thought behind the article was that if you have exhausted all options and someone is persistent in assaulting you that you can defend yourself by any means necessary, and that includes kicking them in the balls.

Another parent had then asked if it is okay to tell her son the same thing.  If it’s okay to tell a girl to get physical if she has tried to stop the perpetrator then would the same advice apply to a little boy who has been pestered or bullied by a girl.  This is not to say that she is implying a boy has every bit as much right to fight back as a girl but a question of if violence should be presented as an option for either sex.  Maybe we shouldn’t be telling girls that it’s okay to use physical retaliation either.

I think this is quite sound reasoning.  Violence is not the option that I would ever want to readily present to my children as a first choice.  Ideally this is a situation I hope we will never have to deal with however, statistics make that seem unlikely.  Since approximately 1 in 3 women are sexually assaulted I know that my daughter has a 33% chance of being victimized at some point.  That’s terrifying!  With odds that high I want her to know what to do if the situation arises because in all likelihood it will.  

I would love to live in a world where there was equally between the sexes, where I could tell both my children the same thing.  That all situations can be managed in a way that doesn’t need to get physical.  In the world we live in though that isn’t the case.  There is so much rape culture!  Too many boys feeling entitled to a woman's body, to many abusers, too many men being given a pass even when they are caught, too many girls being blamed for their own victimization and too many women who are dismissed when they speak up about abuse.  I want my daughter to be able to escape the situation before it happens, not to have to recover from the damaging effects after the fact.  

What about boys?  Yes, they can be assaulted too and yes they should be allowed to defend themselves.  That might just look differently for a boy than for a girl.  They get the flip side of the coin where if they are abused they are shamed for not being manly, like abuse belongs to girls.  This is part of a much bigger conversation about why boys need feminism too.

When my daughter was in grade three there was an incident at school.  The principal called me one day to let me know that a boy in my daughter’s class had kissed her even though she had said no.  The school told me about the steps they had taken and that the boy in question had been punished.  I was told that they had been playing marriage and he had kissed her at the end of the wedding.  They had also been playing vampire and the teachers were trying to put an end to that before someone was bitten.  When I talked to my daughter about that she informed me that the boy that had kissed her had already bit a few classmates.  I was pleased with the way that the school handled the situation and it lead to some interesting conversation with my daughter.  You see, she liked this little boy that had kissed her.  I had found a little love note in her backpack addressed to him a week or so before the incident and I was concerned that she had possibly not said no to the kiss.  I didn’t want this little boy to be punished if my daughter had actually agreed to it.  This led to a good conversation about consent and being clear about our wishes.  I know my daughter and I know that she can be quite vague.  She is more of a follower than a leader and I worry that she will allow herself to be coerced into things she is not comfortable with.  I want her to be able to avoid situations where her motives and character can be questioned.

My son on the other hand, he has a tendency to be physical when he is overwhelmed with emotion.  When he is excited he hugs, jumps up and down or shakes.  When he is upset he lashes out.  Even at about the age of two if he was upset about something he would hit, bite, or bang his head on the wall.  I know that he has a tendency towards violence when he is upset and that is something we are going to have to channel and find healthy expressions for continually.  Right now our focus has been on keeping a level head and making good choices even when he’s excited.  At the age of 8 his physical outbursts lead to broken toys.  At the age of 18 the repercussions are a LOT bigger.  I want to make sure we get ahead of this and teach him to manage his emotions.

It matters what we teach our kids about their bodies and choices at this age.  It sets the stage for who they will grow into.

A little over a year ago there was some debate surrounding the physical education curriculum changes that were being made at Ontario schools.  There were many parents and teachers that were concerned that the new material was too sexualized for the age of the children.  There was, and most likely still is, many that believe the teaching to be inappropriate and even damaging to children.  I actually had someone ask me this morning if I was worried about my children, with what they were learning in school these days.  I told her that I am not (at least not about school) and the reason is that I believe they are teaching my children valuable lessons about consent.

This change was actually one of the ones that caused some controversy.  Parents worried that learning consent hyper sexualizes them.  This is, of course, a vast simplification of their argument and leaves a lot of the other factors out.  There was quite a lot more to their side of the debate that isn’t related to this topic that I am leaving out.

The reason I am pleased my children are learning about consent at school is that it reinforces the lessons I am attempting to teach at home.  They are taught they have the final say in what happens to their bodies.  If they don’t want to be touched they have the right to say no.  If someone wants to hug them, or kiss them or touch them in any way that makes them uncomfortable they are allowed to tell them to stop.  This also shines a light on the other side of issue.  It lets all the kids know that if someone says no you need to respect that and abide by their wishes.  In my opinion that is a very important rule that needs to be instilled as deeply as possible into the minds of kids and one that isn’t always taught in every home.  

There have been way too many stories lately of the “boys will be boys” mentality.  Even a recent article where man pled guilty to assault and STILL had his sentence postponed and reduced so it wouldn’t negatively impact his life.  This was even after the girl he victimized reduced the charges against him so she wouldn’t be subjected to the horrors of putting her own character on trial.  Boys are shown over and over again that they can do whatever they feel like, to whoever they feel like and it will all turn out okay.  There is no consequences for themselves even if the victims they assaulted live with the consequences of what was inflicted upon them every day.   

My hope is that we are at a turning point.  That men will start to be held accountable for their actions and that women will be able to receive justice for the assaults they have endured.  Right now only about 5% of assaults are reported to the police, and I get why.  What’s the point of jumping through all the hoops of reporting someone when the chances of even being believed are so slim.  There is a less than a 9% chance of there being a conviction and that is only from casses that have been reported.  It’s estimated that only 33 in 1,000 assults are even reported!    

How many of these assailants even think they have done anything wrong?  How many of them were told as kids that “boys will be boy”?  How many parents gave excuses for the small agressions they witnesses in their son’s childhood?  How many times were “small” issues smoothed over and fixed so that these boys didn’t get into trouble?  

These abusers don’t lead with rape.  They have gotten away with small agressions for years and years before they have internalized the belief that they are entitled to do whatever they like.  What if just one girl decided she was tired of being groped and coorced into things she didn’t feel comfortable doing?  What if we taught our girls that it was okay to say no and if that no was not respected she could kick them in the crotch.

Maybe, just maybe, if these boys were kicked in the balls once they might have thought twice about forcing themselves on the next girl.  If there is no justice for women in the court system maybe it’s time to take justice into our own hands, or feet if you will.