Lonely Two
The theme of loneliness continues to pop up in my life right now. In things I see, things I read and in the lives of those around me. What I continue to discover is now much insecurity in connected with loneliness. It seems our confidence in ourselves can hinder us from reaching out to those people we see and think, "She is so amazing, I wish I could be better friends with her!" There can be so many different reasons we feel this way but I know for me it stems from a feeling of not being good enough for that person.
There are things about myself that I don't really like and I attempt to hide them. Sometimes I think I'm hiding really well and there is NO WAY anyone is going to spot me there. There are other times when we are called out and we are confronted with those parts of us that we wish weren't there.
Have you ever overheard someone talking about you or had someone tell you about the bad things they have said? I know I have and though it might seem like a somewhat insignificant event (I even tried to pretend it was insignificant) it has stuck with me for over 10 years. You see there was this cool girl (isn't there always a cool girl that tries to run the show) and I felt cooler because she was my "friend". I put in in quotes because she didn't really act like a real friend should. I know now that she was very insecure in herself too and the way she attempted to feel better was by bringing others down or using their discomfort to make herself feel better. She had a way of never being the one at fault but she would subtly point out to you the things other people would say in a way that would suggest she was just trying to help. Those things she would point out though would never really help, they would only show me that I wasn't pulling off my "cool girl" image as well as I thought. One event that really stuck with me was when she passed on some words another girl has said that alluded to me being fat and unattractive. She tried to imply that she had thought I heard her when she said it and that she was just trying to smooth it over. Really she just wanted to make sure I knew what this girl thought of me so I could feel bad about myself. Guess what? It worked. Though I tried to brush it off and pretend that I was strong enough to not let it bother me it was a facade. Those words hurt. They didn't just hurt because they were mean spirited. They hurt because I then internalized them. I then assumed this was what everyone around me was thinking but it was only this one outspoken person that was willing to say it.
When hurtful things are said we put up walls. That wall was made of fear, insecurity and self doubt. I thought, "Everyone thinks I'm fat, unattractive and unworthy." That wall not only blocked me off from the people that would have been wonderful, supportive and caring. It was a wall that kept me locked in with negativity, self doubt, anger, fear and resentment. It kept me alone. It can be so difficult to deconstruct those walls once they are up too. They are self perpetuating. After all, if we let someone in they would think those same things about us, they might say bad things about us and they might hurt us. Right?
It can be very difficult to get past this fear but there is an excellent point in You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth that I need to remind myself of....a lot! She says,
This can go somewhat hand in hand with being a people pleaser. I feel I have to say yes to anything that's brought to my attention and I have to make things work even when it's far outside my skill set. Then when I fail at something I wasn't entirely suited for in the first place I blame myself for just not being good enough when I should have passed in the first place so someone that was right for the job could manage it. I'm like this with friendships sometimes. I try to push that square peg into a round hole. People are very different and I don't have to be best friends with everyone I encounter. Even Jesus had his closest companions out of the 12 apostles but here I am trying to be BFFs with the masses. I have to be more choosy with my heart. Yes, let myself get on out there but don't just hand it around and hope someone will take care of it.
I'm sure this will be something I will struggle with until the day I die but it helps to remind myself that I'm not responsible for what others say and that my responsibility is to do my best and accept forgiveness with grace. I know I'll mess up once in a while but if I never let myself get close to the right people I can't expect that loneliness to change.
There are things about myself that I don't really like and I attempt to hide them. Sometimes I think I'm hiding really well and there is NO WAY anyone is going to spot me there. There are other times when we are called out and we are confronted with those parts of us that we wish weren't there.
Have you ever overheard someone talking about you or had someone tell you about the bad things they have said? I know I have and though it might seem like a somewhat insignificant event (I even tried to pretend it was insignificant) it has stuck with me for over 10 years. You see there was this cool girl (isn't there always a cool girl that tries to run the show) and I felt cooler because she was my "friend". I put in in quotes because she didn't really act like a real friend should. I know now that she was very insecure in herself too and the way she attempted to feel better was by bringing others down or using their discomfort to make herself feel better. She had a way of never being the one at fault but she would subtly point out to you the things other people would say in a way that would suggest she was just trying to help. Those things she would point out though would never really help, they would only show me that I wasn't pulling off my "cool girl" image as well as I thought. One event that really stuck with me was when she passed on some words another girl has said that alluded to me being fat and unattractive. She tried to imply that she had thought I heard her when she said it and that she was just trying to smooth it over. Really she just wanted to make sure I knew what this girl thought of me so I could feel bad about myself. Guess what? It worked. Though I tried to brush it off and pretend that I was strong enough to not let it bother me it was a facade. Those words hurt. They didn't just hurt because they were mean spirited. They hurt because I then internalized them. I then assumed this was what everyone around me was thinking but it was only this one outspoken person that was willing to say it.
When hurtful things are said we put up walls. That wall was made of fear, insecurity and self doubt. I thought, "Everyone thinks I'm fat, unattractive and unworthy." That wall not only blocked me off from the people that would have been wonderful, supportive and caring. It was a wall that kept me locked in with negativity, self doubt, anger, fear and resentment. It kept me alone. It can be so difficult to deconstruct those walls once they are up too. They are self perpetuating. After all, if we let someone in they would think those same things about us, they might say bad things about us and they might hurt us. Right?
It can be very difficult to get past this fear but there is an excellent point in You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth that I need to remind myself of....a lot! She says,
Please listen to this: if you are loving toward others and following God's will as best you can and someone else talks negatively about you or rejects you, then they are responsible to God for that sin. Yes, it's sin for someone else to gossip about you, criticize you to others, or cut off their relationship with you in and unloving way. And you are not responsible for the ungodly responses of others.Our responsibility is to do the best we can and ask forgiveness for the rest. I know there have been times when I have not reacted in kindness, I have gossiped and I have been unloving. I pray that I am forgiven for that. I know there is a tendency in me to look for the negative so I can feel better about myself (I mean why else watch Hoarders but to feel that I have superior cleaning skills to at least someone). I know I need to work on these things in myself and always strive to do a better job of loving those around me but I can also let go of the hurtful things others have said or done to me because I am not responsible for them. Also, if they are not an uplifting person for me to be around it's okay to limit how much they are involved in my life. Sometimes I feel I should be all things to all people. I must put up with someone that isn't good for me because I'm supposed to be loving right? Yes and no. I shouldn't be unkind to those that are unkind to me but I don't have to go out of my way to make things right for them if they are not a kind, loving and supportive person for me to be around.
This can go somewhat hand in hand with being a people pleaser. I feel I have to say yes to anything that's brought to my attention and I have to make things work even when it's far outside my skill set. Then when I fail at something I wasn't entirely suited for in the first place I blame myself for just not being good enough when I should have passed in the first place so someone that was right for the job could manage it. I'm like this with friendships sometimes. I try to push that square peg into a round hole. People are very different and I don't have to be best friends with everyone I encounter. Even Jesus had his closest companions out of the 12 apostles but here I am trying to be BFFs with the masses. I have to be more choosy with my heart. Yes, let myself get on out there but don't just hand it around and hope someone will take care of it.
I'm sure this will be something I will struggle with until the day I die but it helps to remind myself that I'm not responsible for what others say and that my responsibility is to do my best and accept forgiveness with grace. I know I'll mess up once in a while but if I never let myself get close to the right people I can't expect that loneliness to change.
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