What Would Rachel Do

Okay,  I admit it.  I can be a bit vindictive.  I know I've spoken before about how I can hold a grudge like nobody's business.  What I try to leave out is how I usually wish those people ill will.   These grudges are mostly, if not all, against people that have done something hurtful to myself or someone I love.   I try not to let my poor opinion of these people affect how I act towards them.   I also try not to speak poorly of them but I know I have failed on more than one occasion.  

By saying I am vindictive however I don't mean that I wish them physical harm or be left penniless and destitute.   What I am saying is there is something satisfying about seeing that someone that made fun of your weight has put on about 50lbs or the person that looked down on your blue collar job working one of their own.  

I know there are people that I have wronged though too.  I have a feeling there are some grudges out there directed at me too.  I know I made mistakes and I've made bad decisions.   Sometimes there is nothing that can be done to make things right but there have been times when I just don't want to.   Sometimes a grudge can be comfortable.  It can feel safe.   After all, if we were to leave it in the past and forgive what's to stop that person from hurting us again?  

Strangely enough, the times I have been able to give up a grudge have been immensely beneficial.  I have felt so much more free when I have been able to forgive.   You would think this would make it easier to do in other situations but it doesn't.  Even knowing that anger is a poison that only hurts ourselves isn't enough sometimes.   Making the choice to forgive can be a difficult one but it is certainly worth it!  A recent experience I had has proved this to me and I hope it will help me to let go of some other grudges I have stacked up.   Hmmmmm, this makes me sound like a very bitter and angry person.   I promise it's not quite that bad.

There are some cases where I have seen no a side of someone that they manage to keep hidden from others.  It drives me crazy to see them getting praise and adoration when the character I have seen them exhibit is so nasty and cruel.   This is where the vindictiveness rears it's ugly head.  I start wishing other people will see this other side to them.   I hope they are unable to conceal their faults.  I want them to stumble.  

The problem is I have quite a number of my own faults.  I am broken, damaged and mistaken.  

I have been thinking lately about someone that I KNOW does not have a good option of myself and some of my family.   There are things that have been said that were hurtful and untrue.  It has bothered me a lot to be in a position where I am unable to refute the words spoken.  Circumstances have led to a place where I am dammed if I do or dammed if I don't.  This has been a tough lesson for a girl who cares about what think of her.  

So what have I learned?  It's all about character.

I have to live my life in a way that shows the people around me who I really am.  That way when there is something that is said about me they will be able to weigh it against my character and know if it's true.  They should be able to look at a situation and know if it is in keeping with who they know me to be.

I know there will be times when I will still misjudged others.   There will be times when I am misjudged myself.  Unfortunately conflict is unavoidable and sometimes there are just mean people in this world.  I just have to make sure that I'm not one of them.   So I better stop wishing ill on people who's character I might have misjudged.   Wow, this one is tricky!  

I also hope that in a situation where there is no good choice I have lived in a way that would make people say, "I don't know why she is doing that but I know what she is like and she must have a good reason. "

So what would Rachel do?   Most likely the wrong thing but I hope you would know my heart was in the right place.


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