Hurt Of A Different Kind

I have always thought that I was pretty easy going.  For the most part that's true.  It takes a fair bit to get me pissed off about something and I am up for most adventures.  I also seemed to think this meant I didn't make snap judgements about people or treat them unfairly.  This is not true.  I know I have the power to hold a grudge like nobodies business.

It's pretty easy to justify a grudge too.  Since it takes a fair bit to piss me off I sort of assume if you have pushed me far enough to make me angry there is a good reason to hold onto the past.  A real light bulb came on for me the other day however when I happened to think about one of the few people I hold a grudge against.  I could not really remember what they had done that was so wrong.  I had no recollection of the reason the grudge began.  That's when I thought, could what they did really have been so bad that I am still holding onto this aversion to them even though I don't remember why?  The truth is, NO!  Would it even matter if they had done something terrible that I could recollect?  Again, the answer is no.  It's not my job to judge them for the poor way they perceivable treated me.  It is my job to love them regardless.  I still have a real hard time with this.  My personality doesn't give up on grudges easily.  Maybe part of the reason is that I am very sensitive to the opinions of others.  It matters to me if I'm liked or disliked so I form a type of "I'll get you before you get me" stance on people that I see as negative towards me.  Then I can't get hurt right?  lol

There is also some people that I know don't like me.  I used to have a friend who's company I enjoyed very much but something happened in that relationship and it ended.  The issue I have is that I don't know what went wrong.  I noticed a change in our relationship at one point and straight out asked what was going on and why she had a problem with me.  She wouldn't answer but continued to pull away from the relationship until it instead of comradery there was a deep animosity.  This ate me up for a long time!  I HATE not knowing.  I needed closure and I pushed at her for a long time trying to find out what I had done.  It was no use.  She would not open up and we went our separate ways.  This in turn made me angry towards her.  I resented that she wouldn't try and fix what was wrong and eventually it turned into a deep seated grudge that, to be honest I still have trouble letting go of. 

It's something I'll be working on though.  I know that there is a value in the people I come in contact with that is worth loving and that's what I should do.  I will attempt to be a little more volnerable and less guarded when it comes to the people in my life.  It's not fair to any of us for me to block them out under the assumption that they could hurt me.  Life is full of hurt but hiding away in a "safe" place just hurts a different way.  I know my grudges aren't healthy but a heart free of judgment will help me to be a better more loving person.  If that's what I want to be then I have some work to do!


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