Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
I was supposed to meet an old friend for lunch today. We rescheduled because of my crazy lack of sleep last night and how sick I'm feeling. We have recently reconnected after years of not talking and once we spent a little time together I realized I had been sort of holding back on my friendships and letting other relationships get in the way of ones that could have been more nourishing and affirming.
I had a different friend ask the other day on Facebook if anyone has ever had to break up with a friend. (I hope she doesn't mean me!) That also got me thinking about our friendship relationships. I have spoken before about a really close friend of mine that I had a falling out with. Really it was her doing the breaking up but there were things I realized about friendship from that situation. In a lot of ways friendships are like a marriage. The longer you are friends the more history you have together. Sometimes that history can cloud your view of the current relationship. One person might like things the way they were and the other person might be more comfortable with the changes.
It is also true that a good friendship, just like a good marriage, can take work. People don't always see eye to eye. We don't agree about absolutely everything. I don't even think I would want that. It would be like being in a relationship with a clone of me and that could really get annoying! In any relationship there will be times when you don't agree. What matters is how you deal with it.
Of course some of these difficulties might just be small insignificant likes and dislikes. These are easy to overlook. Sometimes the difficulties will be big and sometimes a friendship relationship can be damaging and hurtful. I used to be friends with one girl who I would see on a fairly regular basis. I really don't like planning and organizing though so I tended to let her take the reins and run the show. As a result I became a follower with very little voice in the relationship. It became very much about her and when I would leave our get together I would come away feeling drained, unappreciated, insignificant and surprisingly lonely. I didn't feel connected to her at all. It took my husband saying to me, "Why do you see her then?" That really made me think. I saw her out of habit, a sense of duty and history. I was already feeling lonely so how would cutting out a friendship help? It turns out it did.
I have come to see this process sort of like pruning. There was a relationship that needed to be cut back and once it was trimmed it made room for the more healthy and affirming relationships to grow in it's place. Sure I was missing that branch but it wasn't flourishing and now with the new relationships that have sprung up in it's absence I am feeling more productive, healthy and more loved and appreciated for who I really am, not who I was trying to be for that one person.
I'm not saying that any time you have a disagreement or issue with a friend you should just cut them out and walk away. I do see a lot of value working through problems with someone that does love you, just like in a marriage. I do see people walk away from friendships and marriages too quickly but I also see people holding on far to long to a situation that can never be resolved. Sometimes we are going to have to take a good hard look at that relationship to really determine if there is something left that can be salvaged or if to much damaged has been done to continue on.
I will admit to being one that doesn't give up on something very easily. I'm very stubborn and can't stand to not have closure but I do know that the times when I have been able to make a break and move on I have eventually felt relief.
I know for myself at least, giving up on a relationship felt like failure. I kept thinking I could fix it so I held on for far to long. I think it's important for us to realize that if we are the only ones putting an effort into making things work then it just isn't going to happen. That is another way that is similar to a marriage. You both really have to want to work it out!
Have you had to break up with a friend or had one break up with you? What did you find was the result of that break?
I had a different friend ask the other day on Facebook if anyone has ever had to break up with a friend. (I hope she doesn't mean me!) That also got me thinking about our friendship relationships. I have spoken before about a really close friend of mine that I had a falling out with. Really it was her doing the breaking up but there were things I realized about friendship from that situation. In a lot of ways friendships are like a marriage. The longer you are friends the more history you have together. Sometimes that history can cloud your view of the current relationship. One person might like things the way they were and the other person might be more comfortable with the changes.
It is also true that a good friendship, just like a good marriage, can take work. People don't always see eye to eye. We don't agree about absolutely everything. I don't even think I would want that. It would be like being in a relationship with a clone of me and that could really get annoying! In any relationship there will be times when you don't agree. What matters is how you deal with it.
Of course some of these difficulties might just be small insignificant likes and dislikes. These are easy to overlook. Sometimes the difficulties will be big and sometimes a friendship relationship can be damaging and hurtful. I used to be friends with one girl who I would see on a fairly regular basis. I really don't like planning and organizing though so I tended to let her take the reins and run the show. As a result I became a follower with very little voice in the relationship. It became very much about her and when I would leave our get together I would come away feeling drained, unappreciated, insignificant and surprisingly lonely. I didn't feel connected to her at all. It took my husband saying to me, "Why do you see her then?" That really made me think. I saw her out of habit, a sense of duty and history. I was already feeling lonely so how would cutting out a friendship help? It turns out it did.
I have come to see this process sort of like pruning. There was a relationship that needed to be cut back and once it was trimmed it made room for the more healthy and affirming relationships to grow in it's place. Sure I was missing that branch but it wasn't flourishing and now with the new relationships that have sprung up in it's absence I am feeling more productive, healthy and more loved and appreciated for who I really am, not who I was trying to be for that one person.
I'm not saying that any time you have a disagreement or issue with a friend you should just cut them out and walk away. I do see a lot of value working through problems with someone that does love you, just like in a marriage. I do see people walk away from friendships and marriages too quickly but I also see people holding on far to long to a situation that can never be resolved. Sometimes we are going to have to take a good hard look at that relationship to really determine if there is something left that can be salvaged or if to much damaged has been done to continue on.
I will admit to being one that doesn't give up on something very easily. I'm very stubborn and can't stand to not have closure but I do know that the times when I have been able to make a break and move on I have eventually felt relief.
I know for myself at least, giving up on a relationship felt like failure. I kept thinking I could fix it so I held on for far to long. I think it's important for us to realize that if we are the only ones putting an effort into making things work then it just isn't going to happen. That is another way that is similar to a marriage. You both really have to want to work it out!
Have you had to break up with a friend or had one break up with you? What did you find was the result of that break?
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