5 Things I've Learned About Marriage
My husband and I don't really fight. That however, is not to say we don't have arguments and disagreements. We just disagree in a different way. My family was rather loud and boisterous and I made a conscious decision not yell, not to insult and not to lash out. I also was most attracted to someone who was calm, cool and collected. Someone that was easygoing and didn't sweat the small stuff. I then thought, in the early years of marriage that since we didn't fight in that way that everything was fine. This isn't true. We have had some very difficult times. Times when I didn't think we would make it work. These times have taught me some extremely important lessons that I think you might benefit from too.
1. Bottling up your problems doesn't make them go away. When I was a kid and my brother would bug me my parents would say, "If you just ignore him he'll go away." I have even told this to my own daughter when her little brother turns into a pest. This same rule does not apply to problems. Nothing will just change if you don't face it. Sure, there is something to be said for walking away and cooling off so you can have a calm discussion later but if you never talk about it that little issue will fester and grow. Then it seem bigger than ever and more difficult to resolve.
2. No one can make you happy. This isn't saying that you are miserable and too hard to please. What I mean is that no one has the power to change your emotion. You choose how to feel about everything that happens in your life. If your husband were to, for example, bring you flowers, this could cause you to be happy or it may not. I, for one, am not a huge fan of cut flowers. I find them expensive and they don't seem to last very long. So in this situation I choose the emotion I will have as a result of the flowers. I can be upset at my husband's frivolity and question his intentions or I can be happy that he was thinking about me and thankful that he was attempting to make our home more bright and cheerful. Also, if we expect our husband to make us happy all the time do we then accept the responsibility of making him constantly happy as well? I know I can't do that so why would I expect it from him?
3. Your marriage is more important than your kids. You might have just gasped at this statement but I stand by it. I'm not saying your kids are not important. I'm just saying that your relationship with your spouse has a huge effect on your kids and making sure that relationship is healthy will go a long way towards making sure they have healthy relationships as well. I know there are a lot of divorced parents out there and I am not saying your kids don't have any chance at a healthy relationship. A couple that stays together but fights and are angry with one another all the time is hard on kids in so many different way. Your kids are going to grow up and eventually move out (that is the goal right?) and once they do are you going to look and your spouse and not know why they are anymore? It is important to take time to be just a couple instead of simply co-parents. That way you also show your kids you value their mom or dad. After all your kid is half you and half your spouse. If they think you dislike your spouse they can very easily internalize that and feel that there is a big part of themselves that you dislike as well. If you value your kids then making the most important relationship of their formative years a positive one is very important.
4. Attitude is everything. If you focus on the negatives that is all you will see. There are some things you love about that person you are with. After all, you picked them. After a time though, some of the things that originally attracted you to them can now be the same thinks that bother you. For example, I mentioned earlier that one of the things I liked about my husband was that he was calm, cool and collected. Though this is something I love I have caught myself almost being resentful of it at times. After all, I have a tendency to be extra emotional. Instead of using him to balance myself out I can sometimes think that his his lack of outward emotion means he doesn't care at all. Though he may not show his emotion the same way doesn't mean he doesn't feel. My perspective off the exact same personal trait makes all the difference in the world. I need to choose to look at it in the positive light instead of the negative.
5. Some outside relationships may need to be cut off. I had a friend that I used to confide in a lot about my marital issues and problems. Though it's good to have friends you can talk out your problems with that outside relationship can sometimes perpetuate or worsen the problems you have. This was the case with one of my friendships. It turned out that the more I talked about my husband and my issues the more I focused on them. Pretty soon it seems like I was looking for the bad. The friendship was mostly based on the problems I had so in order to perpetuate the friendship I had to keep coming up with more and more to complain about. This wasn't a friendship that was edifying to myself or to my marriage so it needed to end. If your relationship someone outside your marriage causes you to be dissatisfied with your spouse that friendship needs to end....pronto! Though there are parts of that friendship I do still miss it is worth loosing a friend to save a marriage and I know that if that friendship had continued I would have grown more and more dissatisfied with what I had until the damage became irreparable.
No, my marriage is not perfect but no one's is. Marriage isn't all sunshine and roses but that isn't what you signed up for anyway. Remember? Better or WORSE, richer or POORER, SICKNESS Ad health? Yep, it was right there from the beginning, the promise of hard times. And guess what? You agreed to it! So you might as well try to make the most of it.
1. Bottling up your problems doesn't make them go away. When I was a kid and my brother would bug me my parents would say, "If you just ignore him he'll go away." I have even told this to my own daughter when her little brother turns into a pest. This same rule does not apply to problems. Nothing will just change if you don't face it. Sure, there is something to be said for walking away and cooling off so you can have a calm discussion later but if you never talk about it that little issue will fester and grow. Then it seem bigger than ever and more difficult to resolve.
2. No one can make you happy. This isn't saying that you are miserable and too hard to please. What I mean is that no one has the power to change your emotion. You choose how to feel about everything that happens in your life. If your husband were to, for example, bring you flowers, this could cause you to be happy or it may not. I, for one, am not a huge fan of cut flowers. I find them expensive and they don't seem to last very long. So in this situation I choose the emotion I will have as a result of the flowers. I can be upset at my husband's frivolity and question his intentions or I can be happy that he was thinking about me and thankful that he was attempting to make our home more bright and cheerful. Also, if we expect our husband to make us happy all the time do we then accept the responsibility of making him constantly happy as well? I know I can't do that so why would I expect it from him?
3. Your marriage is more important than your kids. You might have just gasped at this statement but I stand by it. I'm not saying your kids are not important. I'm just saying that your relationship with your spouse has a huge effect on your kids and making sure that relationship is healthy will go a long way towards making sure they have healthy relationships as well. I know there are a lot of divorced parents out there and I am not saying your kids don't have any chance at a healthy relationship. A couple that stays together but fights and are angry with one another all the time is hard on kids in so many different way. Your kids are going to grow up and eventually move out (that is the goal right?) and once they do are you going to look and your spouse and not know why they are anymore? It is important to take time to be just a couple instead of simply co-parents. That way you also show your kids you value their mom or dad. After all your kid is half you and half your spouse. If they think you dislike your spouse they can very easily internalize that and feel that there is a big part of themselves that you dislike as well. If you value your kids then making the most important relationship of their formative years a positive one is very important.
4. Attitude is everything. If you focus on the negatives that is all you will see. There are some things you love about that person you are with. After all, you picked them. After a time though, some of the things that originally attracted you to them can now be the same thinks that bother you. For example, I mentioned earlier that one of the things I liked about my husband was that he was calm, cool and collected. Though this is something I love I have caught myself almost being resentful of it at times. After all, I have a tendency to be extra emotional. Instead of using him to balance myself out I can sometimes think that his his lack of outward emotion means he doesn't care at all. Though he may not show his emotion the same way doesn't mean he doesn't feel. My perspective off the exact same personal trait makes all the difference in the world. I need to choose to look at it in the positive light instead of the negative.
5. Some outside relationships may need to be cut off. I had a friend that I used to confide in a lot about my marital issues and problems. Though it's good to have friends you can talk out your problems with that outside relationship can sometimes perpetuate or worsen the problems you have. This was the case with one of my friendships. It turned out that the more I talked about my husband and my issues the more I focused on them. Pretty soon it seems like I was looking for the bad. The friendship was mostly based on the problems I had so in order to perpetuate the friendship I had to keep coming up with more and more to complain about. This wasn't a friendship that was edifying to myself or to my marriage so it needed to end. If your relationship someone outside your marriage causes you to be dissatisfied with your spouse that friendship needs to end....pronto! Though there are parts of that friendship I do still miss it is worth loosing a friend to save a marriage and I know that if that friendship had continued I would have grown more and more dissatisfied with what I had until the damage became irreparable.
No, my marriage is not perfect but no one's is. Marriage isn't all sunshine and roses but that isn't what you signed up for anyway. Remember? Better or WORSE, richer or POORER, SICKNESS Ad health? Yep, it was right there from the beginning, the promise of hard times. And guess what? You agreed to it! So you might as well try to make the most of it.
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