I'm a Fraud

I’m not a writer.  I’m a fraud, a sham, a chartitan.  A jack of all trades, master of none.  I feel these things deeply as I read the works of the fellow members of my writing group.  I feel them deeply as I walk around in my skin every day. My inner critic is loud.  He is unscrupulous and harsh.  He doesn’t limit himself to a simple critique of my writing either, he shows up in my day to day life.  Lately I’ve become more aware of him.  Before it was just a quiet voice that whispered in my ear.  He talks all the time!  His voice background noise, static that I could tune into whenever I wanted.  It’s his right to address any part of me that he would like, talking about my appearance, my skills, my work, my hobbies, my weight.  Lately I’ve been addressing this voice, recognising him for what he is, a naysayer, a cynic, my harshest judge.

A asked my husband what his inner critic sounded like after he had commented about a project he felt he hadn’t done well enough.  “I’ve never thought about it.” was his answer.  He’s never had to, it doesn’t come up enough.  At that point I started to speak up about mine.  How insulting and harsh he is.  I’ve given him a name and I’ve begun to call him out on his lies.  For the first time I am beginning to address his words as problematic.  It’s made my husband aware of him.  This voice that tells his wife she isn’t good enough, that she’s a screw up, that she’s a failure.    

This week I made a mistake, not a big one but something that cost us a bit of money.  I bought something that wouldn’t work for what we needed, I then bought a replacement that didn’t fit either.  I was a failure.  I couldn’t do anything right.  I told my husband what a screw up I felt like and he told me it was an honest mistake, he hadn’t thought about the issue either and that it wasn’t really a big deal.  He called out my inner critic that had been left to it’s own devices for too long.  He’s been running, unchecked for years and years.  For the first time I had someone call him on his crap.  Someone to contradict his lies.  

I’ve heard it said that we need 7 positives in order to override one negative.  If this is true I don’t know if I have enough of my lifetime left to combat the damage this voice has already done but I hope this is a start, that I can begin to accept some positives instead of dwelling on the negative.  The issue is the negatives keep coming and my inner voice isn’t the only one telling me I’m not good enough.  After all, I’m getting older, I’m overweight, I’m a woman.

This morning we heard about Deborah, the Judge, the Prophet, the mother of Israel.  Brave, confident and God’s chosen.  A woman who, over 3,000 years ago was able to, without question or doubt lead God’s people to victory.  I would like to be a Deborah.  I wish I had that confidence but instead I sympathize more with Barak, who hesitated and was not the full recipient of the blessing.  Or even more so, with Moses, who told God that he was not eloquent and needed someone to speak for him.  This voice in me, the voice of doubt is what is holding me back.  It’s what makes me hesitate when something seems good.  It causes me to not reach out to others out of fear that they will judge me as harshly as I judge myself.  I don’t want to risk it.  I don’t want to have my worst fears confirmed.  

I need to recognize this demon in me for what he is and to have confidence, not because I am great, or better than others, or more able to accomplish the task but just because of who I was created to be.  Because I am able.  I don’t want to be crippled by this fear any longer.  There is no need.  Even if others do judge me, it can’t be worse than what I have heard before, or will again.  I’ll hear these harsh lies weather I try or not so I might as well accomplish something along the way.  

I’ve named this critic Donald since he lies more often than he speaks the truth, his words are fickle and ever changing and I’m trying to call him on his nonsense.  It’s helping to speak it aloud.  To recognize when i am setting myself an impossible standard.  My husband has even begun to see instances when he knows I am going to be critical of myself and address it as well.  He’s been more complimentary.  

In a show that I watch there was an exchange between two women.  One told the other, “You’re not a sheep, you’re a dragon.  Be a dragon.”  This stood out to me because my name is Rachel and Rachel means Ewe lamb.  I am in actuality a sheep and I’ve been acting like one.  Maybe it’s time for me to change that.  Maybe it’s time to be a dragon.

“Shut up Donny.”