Compliments Don't Connect
If you know someone with low self esteem, and I'm sure you do, you might wonder why no matter how many times you compliment them it just doesn't seem to sink in. They just can't seem to see themselves the same way others do. You can tell your friend, girlfriend, wife, mom, or whoever how amazing, intelligent, funny, beautiful, creative, caring and loving they are until you are blue in the face but they just can't hear you.
I would like to tell you a few reasons why.
For starters, you might have heard this little saying when you were young, sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. This saying is quite simply not true, in fact it is dead wrong. We all know it. We always have. I think that the only reason that anyone ever said it was simply to try and convince ourselves that we are strong enough to ignore the hurtful things said to us. It didn't work.
The things said to us when we are young, even if they weren't outright mean, effect us very deeply. There is a reason they are called our formative years, they mold and shape our character, forming us into the person we become. Even words said in jest or a joking manner can really be embedded deeply into our hearts. It reminds me of an oyster. Some negative words get inside our shell and like a little piece of sand. It irritates us and scratches so we try to cover over it. Layer after layer coats these words and we hope it will make it less bothersome but in this case we are not left with something beautiful and valuable like the pearl. Instead we are left with a big lump in our life that pushes up against us all the time making us uncomfortable in our own skin and interrupting our ability to move freely.
So when someone with this type of obstruction in their life and in their heart hears a compliment it can not possibly counteract the years and years of negativity that has built up over those cruel words. I have heard that it takes 10 positive words to counteract one negative word. I think it is more specific to the situation. If would depend greatly on how deeply those negative words are embedded. I think of it as each positive word peeling off one layer. Until you can get to the center, to the root of the problem, those words will always cause us trouble. Someone other than us can never know the specific cause of our personal hurts and insecurities.
So what can an "outsider" do if the compliments don't seem to be doing the trick? I know it might be frustrating saying the same things over and over only to have them disagree, ignore or even attempt to refute you encouraging attempts. Please, no matter how frustrated you get, don't give up and under no circumstances agree with their negativity, even in jest. Try to remember that this issue runs much deeper than you know and it will take a long time to combat the years of built up self animosity.
One thing that would be very helpful is to ask this self doubter a question. Why do they believe __________________ (insert lie here)? Encourage them to take some time to look at the words or deeds that started this whole mess and take some steps to actively work to heal that wound. There are a few ways that I have found surprisingly helpful that I have discussed before and most likely will again. They can also seek out someone else that has struggle with these things and has come a long way towards resolving them. You just need to make sure this person uplifts you and not that the two of you just sit around bashing yourselves to each other. The aim is positive change.
So the next time you compliment someone and they say, "Oh, you're just saying that". Know that even though it might not seem like your compliments can connect they are slowly peeling off layers of hurt and you have no idea how many there might be.
I would like to tell you a few reasons why.
For starters, you might have heard this little saying when you were young, sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. This saying is quite simply not true, in fact it is dead wrong. We all know it. We always have. I think that the only reason that anyone ever said it was simply to try and convince ourselves that we are strong enough to ignore the hurtful things said to us. It didn't work.
The things said to us when we are young, even if they weren't outright mean, effect us very deeply. There is a reason they are called our formative years, they mold and shape our character, forming us into the person we become. Even words said in jest or a joking manner can really be embedded deeply into our hearts. It reminds me of an oyster. Some negative words get inside our shell and like a little piece of sand. It irritates us and scratches so we try to cover over it. Layer after layer coats these words and we hope it will make it less bothersome but in this case we are not left with something beautiful and valuable like the pearl. Instead we are left with a big lump in our life that pushes up against us all the time making us uncomfortable in our own skin and interrupting our ability to move freely.
So when someone with this type of obstruction in their life and in their heart hears a compliment it can not possibly counteract the years and years of negativity that has built up over those cruel words. I have heard that it takes 10 positive words to counteract one negative word. I think it is more specific to the situation. If would depend greatly on how deeply those negative words are embedded. I think of it as each positive word peeling off one layer. Until you can get to the center, to the root of the problem, those words will always cause us trouble. Someone other than us can never know the specific cause of our personal hurts and insecurities.
So what can an "outsider" do if the compliments don't seem to be doing the trick? I know it might be frustrating saying the same things over and over only to have them disagree, ignore or even attempt to refute you encouraging attempts. Please, no matter how frustrated you get, don't give up and under no circumstances agree with their negativity, even in jest. Try to remember that this issue runs much deeper than you know and it will take a long time to combat the years of built up self animosity.
One thing that would be very helpful is to ask this self doubter a question. Why do they believe __________________ (insert lie here)? Encourage them to take some time to look at the words or deeds that started this whole mess and take some steps to actively work to heal that wound. There are a few ways that I have found surprisingly helpful that I have discussed before and most likely will again. They can also seek out someone else that has struggle with these things and has come a long way towards resolving them. You just need to make sure this person uplifts you and not that the two of you just sit around bashing yourselves to each other. The aim is positive change.
So the next time you compliment someone and they say, "Oh, you're just saying that". Know that even though it might not seem like your compliments can connect they are slowly peeling off layers of hurt and you have no idea how many there might be.
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