E is For Esteem

This morning in a rare moment of getting along and being kind to one another I awoke to hear Trinity "reading" a book to her brother over the gate in his door. It's a book we have read many, many times so for the most part it is memorization she is spouting but she is learning to read and loving it. The other day when I went into her room to get her up for school I found her propped up in bed, book in hand with a look of concentration on her face. Along with reading comes writing and at school they are doing letter books. They cut out a little picture of something that starts with a certain letter and write their own sentence with that word in it. It's one of my favorite school projects. I love to see the phonetic spelling that comes out of the brain of a 5 year old and trying to decipher what words she was aiming for. The book that came home yesterday was "the H book". The sentences within were, i hav a heart, i hav a hand, dad uoses a hammer, and i hav a hat. I give her points for constancy. She used to try spelling the same word a few different ways to try and get it right one of those times but now she sticks to her guns. She picks what she thinks is the best spelling and goes with it. The word uses is one that comes up a lot in her letter books. It tends to be a tricky one to learn. She is getting much closer and much more creative. In one of the last books she wrote she spelled uses youses. She knows how you is spelled so thought that she should just add ses on the end. I gave her points for creative thinking.

All this work will spelling and learning to read however brings back my own insecurity at the thought of being critiqued for my spelling skills. It was always a touchy subject for me and though I LOVED to read (and still do) spelling never came as easily. I was teased and picked on for my terrible spelling skills. I went to a small school with many split classes, plus I skipped a grade so I was always younger than my classmates and one of them would inevitably be paired up with me to "help" me with my spelling. That helping usually took the form of laughing at my pathetic mistakes and and correcting me in a condescending manner. I will be eternally grateful for spellcheck. Some of my difficulty stems from some slight dyslexia. No matter how I tried I could never seem to get it right. I soon understood where the phrase "Mind your p's and q's" could have originated from. I had (and still do have) issues with b and d as well as quite a few numbers. When I was small I wrote entirely backwards. Held up to a mirror my writing would become perfectly clear, however it was assumed that was only because I was left handed. My difficulties persisted undiagnosed. My brother had a few issues with learning and there was a lot of time and energy dedicated to assisting him. Since I was able to get by and do quite well for the most part my difficulties were overlooked. I hear that dyslexia is often missed since people with it cover with memorization. This is something I was able to do as well but when it came to spelling... well, there was nothing to hide behind. Instead I was teased and left sensitive to critique in this manner. In collage I had a very advanced spell check type writer. It would store one line at a time and I was able to correct any mistakes before it would type it out for me. To date I second guess myself. I will ask my husband how to spell words. If I am in a situation where no spell check is available I will usually dumb down my language to words with spellings I am sure of unless I am writing to someone I am sure will not pick at my spelling and point out my shortcomings.

So as my daughter learns to read and spell I am reminded anew of my struggle and think of all the issues that she will also need to overcome. If not spelling then something else because no life is simple and easy. She will be picked on for something. She will get made fun of. She will feel insecure and inadequate in some manner. My hope and prayer is that I am able to have eyes open to the struggle she faces and can help her work threw it. That she will have the strength of character to rise above the issues she is faced with and the kindness to not be the one injuring the esteem of those around her.